Upon my return to Indiana I was pretty convinced that my calling was a spiritual one. Being asked to teach a class on healing at such a young age boosted my confidence. This caused many issues back at home, I was completely unwilling to die in a factory and so refused to pursue anything other than my spiritual endeavors. This caused a tension that led to me going to Indianapolis with my father. I had mixed feelings about all of this, but I thought at least I would have the opportunity to continue my studies.
We ended up in a total dump, I mean, not in a great part of town and if I wouldn’t have been so far in my own “airy fairy” world I would have been afraid. Still, I was bonding with my dad who had been in and out of my life. So I was enjoying at least that part of it. We had no money, were living in squalor, the hall smelled like crack, but I had my books and so I studied.
I tried working a “normal” job but being a high school drop out, I didn’t have a lot of choices. So I ended taking door to door sales type job. I couldn’t think of a worse kind of job for the head space I was in. I had zero interest in the mundane world, and was so psychically open every rejection almost brought me to tears. My brother and dad were building a house together and I attempted to help out there, which was also a bad idea. I was too spaced out in my own little world, and yet to environmentally conscious to be of any use at a construction site. In essence, I was not good for any purposes that did not involve altered states of consciousness.
Soon the powers that be stepped in and everything changed. My dad went to go visit an old girlfriend of his. I sat in the car waiting for him, he was just going to “say hi”. Hours went by, of course I just read and meditated, my usual thing to do when waiting for something. After some time a woman came out and invited me in. She said she had no idea I was out there. So I went in, to find my dad drunk on wine. I’m not sure what transpired while I was in the car, but dad upon leaving said we were going to stay with her. Which was fine with me, she lived in a cute little house in a really cool part of Indy.
Once we moved in there my life began to get really on track. In fact the most on track it had been since I had got sober. She was a very positive influence on me. She encouraged me to pursue my spiritual life but in a way that could sustain me. I began to look at it truly as a calling at that point. I realized the possibility did exist for me to be a professional medium like my friends at Chesterfield or utilize it in some other form. She was also a very talented artist, so I think she understood me on that level. We had even talked about doing some joint projects together. We had deep philosophical and spiritual conversations. I felt like we were in each others lives for a definite reason.
So once we got settled in, Dad went back to drinking and I started going back to 12 step meetings and looking at getting my GED so I would have more options. Since I was also close to Chesterfield again I was heading there whenever I had a chance. I was full speed ahead. I had my own room in her house, so I was able to set up an altar and practice my magick again. I was at this point writing down all the exercises and rituals that I would come across in my reading. I would write down what book and page number they were on, then once a month I would randomly choose an exercise or ritual to do everyday for that month. I would either use dice or cards to pick the number of exercise. I chose them this way because I was also still working with the tree of life. Working my way up the tree. I wanted to see if the two things would sink up. Usually they did, this added to my experience. I was seeing synchronicity in all my practices.
I mention this method because it actually plays a vital role in part of my experience in Indy. I was working with Tiphareth on the Tree of Life. Tiphareth is the center of the Tree and means Beauty basically. It is the seat of our compassion and love. Interestingly enough the work that was chosen for that month was a “Love Spell’ of sorts. I adapted it to my working so it became more of a spell of love. In other words, I wasn’t looking to fall in love, just find self love. I would say that it worked on several levels, for shortly after that I met Barry, who would become my first real boyfriend. Because of this I learned about loving that part of myself and loving another human unconditionally. Our relationship was very strange, spiritual, safe and wonderful. If I would have been ready, we would have been together for a long time. I however was not yet ready, one of my greatest near misses. It was my relationship with him that helped me grow leaps and bounds with my sexuality. His playful attitude toward it made it less heavy and more experimental.
Continuing on my career track, I found a program that I could take to get my GED. So I enrolled and like everything else during this time I was being led into more than I suspected at the time. It turned out to be another great experience that pushed me on my way. Not only did I get my GED I met yet another spiritual mentor.
The program was geared toward low income and in danger youth, because of this they had a counselor on staff named Brother Rob. As you probably guessed from his title Brother Rob was a Franciscan Monk. When he found out my interest in theology we would sit in his office and talk shop for hours. He told me once that when they received my application he didn’t expect me to do very well because I printed my name on it. Then once he met me, he was wondering how I ended up there. I told him about my past and my search for a Higher Power and how it had led me there. He was not only very supportive, he encouraged me to pursue my interests. He really wanted to see me attend the Indiana Universities Theology department and even wrote a letter of recommendation for me upon leaving the program.
One of the more memorable experiences I had with Brother Rob involved a quartz crystal someone had given him. Upon arriving for class one day Brother Rob came out and motioned me into his office. I’m sure by this point people thought I was either a real head case because I was always getting called in my Brother Rob. Anyway, this day in particular he called me in and held up a crystal key chain. He said that someone had given it to him for protection or good luck or something. He asked me if I knew anything about what they meant. I answered that I did and began to explain to him how crystals were used in the “New Age” community as tools. He then handed it to me and asked, if I could make it work. I laughed and said that I could, it just needed to be “charged”. He nodded and said that was good and asked me if I would do that for him since he was Catholic and he wasn’t sure how the church would feel about him “playing with witchcraft”. We both had a giggle about that and I went ahead and did what he asked. That was a typical kind of conversation between us. Brother Rob took his faith very seriously, however there was an obvious rebellious streak. He would have made a wonderful jolly mad monk.
I went through the program, passed my GED with flying colors and even received a very nice letter from my High School Counselor congratulating me. Life seemed to be write on track for me, I had picked up a part time job at a daycare. Was looking into studying theology at IU and still dating Barry on and off. Life was good. This was the first time in my life that I truly felt like I was good at something as well. Brother Rob had helped me to see that I had a mind for the philosophical and theological. He told me that it was a gift to be able to grasp those concepts and ways of thinking. He also praised my intellect, not something I was used to since I basically put zero effort in school and so scraped by with D’s. This was backed up by my above average score on the GED. I felt like I may have some potential after all.
Just as I had all this going for me, I got thrown a curve ball that sent my life in another direction altogether. My dad’s drinking had got to the point that the woman we were staying with had enough. She talked to me about it before she talked to him. She told me that she was going to tell him he had to quit drinking or leave. She said I could stay if I wanted, but that she was going on a trip and was using that as her deadline. So basically she was kindly telling me I should make other arrangements.
My dad of course was not going to quit drinking. So he opted to leave. He stood in the kitchen said goodbye and walked out the door, never telling me where he was going or what he was going to do. It would be quite some time before I seen my dad again. Although I understood him having an addictive personality myself, it still hurt me deeply. I felt like that little kid in the hall that dad told he was going away. I was hurt, angry and unsure of my own future.
I decided I would go to Seminary at Chesterfield and possibly stay with my brother until I could start school. The first part went well, in fact better than well. I pretty much decided I wanted to study spirituality for the rest of my life. The second part didn’t go so well, me and my brother’s relationship was volatile at best. I had jumped through as many hoops as I was willing to until I had reached my breaking point. I had trusted both my brother and my father and had been let down harshly. Just then my dear friends came into town and asked me to go to Virginia with them to live. This seemed like such a better option than were I was at. So I packed what little I had and rode off on another adventure.
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