IX Riding Through the Clouds on a Moon Goddess

One of the lost souls that ended up in our little magickal household had a motorcycle that he was trying to sell. It was a beautiful midnight blue Honda 750 that I fell in love with and agreed to buy. Well actually take over the payments for. I named her Diana after the moon goddess and spent many hours riding her around the Blue Ridge mountains. I learned a great deal about how to be Zen riding that bike. I would say she in many ways introduced me to mindfulness before I knew what to call it. All I knew is that at moments I felt part of that motorcycle and in those times riding her was fun and simple. In the times when I would try to control her, I would feel more out of control. I remember riding her over a grated bridge for the first time. I felt like I was going to die for sure. Four lanes of speeding traffic around me. I hit the grate doing about 70 and the bike felt like it was going to slide out from under me. The more I tried to keep her straight the worse it got. So I just let her lead the way and wobble. I trusted this machine not to kill me, and she didn’t. It was a big lesson in letting go and letting things happen.

By this point in my life I was the only employee in the radio station, so I sat alone all day and studied or meditated. I was far from a nice guy with all my shadow work, and for the most part I think people feared me more than respected me. Magickally speaking of course. So I wasn’t what you would call happy, but I was excited and intensely into my study. It was the perfect time for a road trip.

My cousin was getting married and I decided to ride Diana from Virginia to Michigan taking a scenic route through the mountains. I cleared the time off with my boss, prepared Diana with new tires and battery and plotted my trip. I didn’t know then but that trip would be one of those life altering trips on several levels.

I set out on my trip looking like a heavy metal road warrior, with long black hair, spiked leather jacket, black lineman’s boots that went up to my knees. It was obvious wherever I went I was most likely not from there. I remember one of the first places I stopped to eat, it was a little local diner. There was this kid probably around ten or so that walked with a limp. He stared at me the whole time I was eating and then followed me out when I was leaving. He was one of those people that you could read his whole story in his eyes. curious but very sad eyes. I sat on my bike and he got on his bicycle as if he was going to ride off with me. I think I gave him a ride on the bike, I’m not certain, I do remember we talked and he was all aglow by the time I left. I guess It would have been cool to have this dangerous looking guy be nice and cool to you. Kinda like getting a nod from one of the cool kids. Even in all my darkness, I had such a strong parental motivation, I would do anything for any kid. It was this that would later save me from myself in years to come.

Riding through the Smoky Mountains was amazing. I hit the mountains right at dusk as the clouds were descending. I hit a rest stop because I was soaking wet from the moisture within the clouds. I have to say that was such a mystical experience to know that I was riding a motorcycle through clouds and getting wet from rain that had never fallen. I stayed there for a bit and then moved on riding not only my bike Diana, but a spiritual high from riding in the clouds.

As the trip wore on I was getting tired, although I physically felt awake. The wind hitting my body at 90 miles an hour kept me up. My brain however started to drift off into hallucinations. This happened a couple of times, but it was no big deal, it was like day dreaming. Then there was something in the road, it looked like part of a building. Like a barn that had fallen off a truck or something. As I got closer I realized it was a small white house in the middle of the highway. I swerved to miss it only to wake up! I had completely fallen asleep going 90 on a motorcycle. I had tried to avoid a house that I had dreamed. It was time to pull over and get some sleep.

This is when things got all “Twilight Zone” on me. I pull into this motel being the only thing in site. Walk into the lobby looking like something out of "Road Warrior" still dazed from almost crashing into a dream house. I get my room and then ask the girl behind the counter where I was. She said “In Woolsey Ohio”, to which I asked. “Where is Woosley Ohio?. She answered, “Somewhere in Ohio.” I thought to myself, oh shit, i’m still on my bike dreaming.

I started to walk to my room and there were all these kids in tuxedos in the parking lot. With nothing in sight but the highway I was certain now that I was still dreaming. Once I got to my room and called my cousin. I asked him to get a map and look up Woolsey Ohio. He said he couldn’t find it, I was sure I was in the “Twilight Zone” or was asleep. So I told him I was going to go to bed and either I would wake up in Woolsey or on the side of the road. We both laughed and I went to bed.

Obviously I was really in this strange place in Ohio, or this is a very long dream. Either way, I got up and hit the road, not wanting to be late for the wedding. So I made my way into Michigan stopping at my Grandmother’s house to get ready, and she lovingly brushed the tangles out of my wind knotted hair.

After the wedding I rented a motel room for the first night, had dinner with my mom and step-dad, then set out to connect with some old friends. The most eventful part of my stay was my reconnecting with Terri. I ended up spending a great deal of time with her, playing with the kids, giving them all rides on the bike and generally falling in love with the idea of a companion, a family, a house, all that. Before I left town, I felt like I would come back sooner than later. I had made up my mind that I wanted a white picket fence a couple of kids and a dog. Who better to share this with than the woman that I would fly around the astral plane with. My life was complicated in Virginia however, so I had to go back and sort it, but that turned out to be easier than I thought.

The ride back to Virginia was not as eventful as the ride up, however it did have its moments. One of the most memorable took place somewhere in the Ohio Valley. I had seen some signs that said to gas up before reaching such and such mile marker. I of course ignored these warnings thinking that I would be fine on a motorcycle. I was sadly mistaken, I found myself in the middle of the Ohio Valley riding on the reserve tank hoping to find someplace to gas up.

I pulled off the interstate into a small mining town with a whole lotta nothing in an attempt to find some gas. I eventually found a little gas station with a couple of “good ol’ boys” sitting on the back of a pickup truck looking at me in the most unwelcoming way. I pumped my gas and went inside to pay. The old man behind the counter asked me how much I pumped, I kinda shrugged. This must have angered the gentlemen, because he then began to educate me about the workings of his little establishment. He said “This ain’t the city with fancy pumps, I can’t tell how much you pumped unless you tell me”. So I handed him a twenty and explained I was on a motorcycle so it couldn’t be more than that and began to walk out the door.

I was almost to my bike when I hear the old man calling to me. He looks at the pump and begins to make change. As he handed me my change he almost whispered to me. “Now get on that thing and get the hell out of here, I can hold those boys off for awhile, but not for long”. To which I responded “Yes sir”, hopped on my bike and jetted off.

On my return to Virginia, I was disappointed to learn that things had began to unravel. My boss had hired two people to fill in for me when I was gone and told me it was my job to fire them. My living situation had got stranger as one of my roommates was on a Mediterranean Cruise in the Navy. Another left, and the newest moved his girlfriend in.

With all these changes I decided to move in with a couple of other Navy guys I had met. It didn’t last long, I lost my job at the station and had a chip on my shoulder the size of Taxes. It was the first chance that I had to really play with a computer. My roommate got a new machine from his dad, and for a short time I had use of his old one. That was the beginning of my love of technology.

As things fell apart, I thought about Terri and the little family in Michigan. I most likely wanted it to fall apart so I could pursue that life. When things came to a head, that is what I did. I went back to Indiana, knowing that I was going back to see what would transpire with Terri. I didn’t want to be the asshole I had become, I thought maybe a family was what I needed.

My time in Virginia had served me well, I had learned more in those couple of years than I thought possible. I had created a working magickal system, designed a Tarot deck with a science fiction artist. Stood naked on a cliff in the Blue Ridge mountains invoking dim gods, sat spitting distance from fighter planes performing touch and go drills, ran a radio station, fell in love, touched nothingness, snuck onto a military base or two. My work there was done I was ready to move on.

XIII: Its All Nothing in the End

As my time in Virginia went on I left the occult shop and took on a job at a local radio station. I feel into the job because the owner was a client of mine and came to me from time to time for readings. He mentioned that he needed someone to fill in and run the board a couple of nights a week. It was perfect for me because it was down the street from our house, in the middle of the woods and many of my favorite people worked there. So I started a rather strange career in the radio business.

My explorations into the meaning and access of Ain only grew as I now had a hermetic life in which I could work on the concepts that were developing in my mind. This was the true birth of the Black Sun System as well as my first direct experience with Nothingness that would so drastically change the course I was on.

I began to work with the Tree of Life on a purely numerical basis utilizing my background in Numerology. So when I was working with Yesod the ninth Sephiroth on the Tree of Life, I did everything in increments of nine. This evolved to the point that I would string together the verses in holy books numbered nine, made tapes from cd's with only the ninth track on them and so on. The idea was to begin to resonate at the same frequency as the number nine and hence aid in my invocation of Yesod.

I did this with every Sephiroth that I worked with. Still I needed a way to experience each of the Cabalistic worlds in a separate and complete way. Only by doing this could I accomplish the ultimate goal of having a direct experience with Ain. In my work and isolation the answers started to come to me like a madman’s vision it started to consume me. I was becoming the magickal process itself already. How far could I push it until insanity was the only outcome?

In order to separate the worlds I started to work them in their descending order. Atziluth being the one where Deities live and hence the most subtle. It is associated with fire and the Divine names of the Cabala. So I would work with only fire, Deities and the color associated with Atziluth for a month. Then I would go do Briah and do the same, then Yetzirah and Assiah. Each time working only with the symbols of that world and the number of the specific Sephiroth. Reaffirming that idea through my invocations. In other words I would “Invoke” Atziluth Yesod, then Briah Yesod and so on, doing everything nine times or things listed as nine. This made me seem like a crazy person, but it worked, my every thought was in line with the magickal intention. When I moved to Hod I did the same, did everything in eights, only listened to track eight on a cd and so on. Bringing it down through all four of the cabalistic worlds. The very act of living became my ritual starting with my morning invocation and ending with my nightly invocation.

As I worked this process through a couple of times, I realized that number was a huge component and perhaps held the key to my desire to experience Ain. So I started doing some more research and experimentation. I took a deeper look into Hebrew Gematria, an ancient form of numerology. Within this system they state that any two or more things with the same numerical value have a harmony or relationship of some kind. For this reason they do not reduce the numbers down to base nine like what is done in Pythagorean Numerology. What I mean by this is that in Pythagorean Numerology if you have something with a value of 224 it is reduced by addition 2+2+4=8 or 993 would be 9+9+3=21=3 and so on. In Gematria the 224 would stay 224 and the 993 would stay 993, this limits the things that would have the exact same value and so seemed more accurate to me. I also strongly agreed with the idea that things having the same numerical value had a relationship. I had found that to be true in my own experiments. I found by listening to only track 9 on 20 different cd's, it told a story and conveyed the ideas represented in Yesod. I began to see the universe as less chaotic and began to see these numeric threads throughout.

Based on all this I decided that I would work within the Gematria idea of raw numbers showing the harmonious relationship of ideas. I would also keep the Pythagorean idea that all things could be represented by number, including the idea of Ain. I further started to explore Plato’s and Pythagoras’ ideas of geometry. Plato surmised that all number could be represented in geometry and in essence geometry within nature is mathematics. Pythagoras felt the same including his research on re-occurring geometric patterns within nature and how they comply to mathematical formulas. I realized from all this four very important things. All things could be represented by number, all numbers could be represented by geometry, geometry is naturally occurring and because of all of the above, I could recreate any energy geometry and use that geometry to invoke it like a sacred geometric alphabet.

In all of this the concept of Hebrew Gematria and harmony of number was also rattling around in my head. Through further research and pondering I started thinking about wave theory and harmonics. Working at a radio station at the time, I got a crash course in how frequencies work, why they work and basic wave theory. According to wave theory the strongest vibration always wins. Put a bunch of instruments in the same room and play one of them, the others if they have any parts that vibrate, strings, heads so on, they will all vibrate to the instrument you are playing. Pound a drum in a room with a piano and the strings will vibrate to the rhythm. Do the opposite and the snare will vibrate to the pounding of the piano keys. I began to think that the reason my way of working the Tree of Life was so successful was because of this. I was causing myself to harmonize by surrounding myself with the number of the Sephiroth. I felt the effects would be even more so if I could surround myself with a geometric figure of that number. I began to experiment with this idea on myself and other unsuspecting citizens.

My first task was to create a geometric alphabet of sorts to consistently represent number. My thoughts went back to Lillian Majors and how she taught me numerology. She always talked about numbers being dynamic and changing based on the way other numbers would act upon them. This eventually led to the way that I would draw numbers, nesting them inside of each other to create a glyph that would appear to be spinning. I would also try to look at numbers the way that she did, try to get a feel for them to tell their story. I ended coming up with I have since termed the evolution of number which gives the why and how of the geometric representations of each number.

After creating my geometric glyph it was time to figure out how to use them. So I would work with each number starting with one drawing symbols and vibrating a corresponding cabalistic God name with them and see what would happen. Let me explain this better, we will use four as our example. I decided of course to use a square to represent four. This may seem very obvious, but there were many variables that I thought about, It has four points, symbolizes the four elements, is the shape of the foundation of most structures and so on. So in meditation I would visualize myself in a purple square and “vibrate” or chant the God name EL, because in Hebrew it is equal to four. I would then wait to see how the figure would react. If it seemed to grow brighter or the energy around me changed I knew I had the right figure, if not then I would try a different one. In the end I think the only thing that mattered was the number of points, the geometric manifestation of the number itself. However, I did this work with one through ten until I was satisfied with my results.

I then had to test these figures out on others to see if they had a consistent result. I would go to public events and visualize symbols around people while “vibrating” the God Name and see what kind of response I got. After the first few times I tried this, I realized I was onto something. The reaction they would have was immediate and obvious. I once went to a high school football game down the street from our house. I knew no one at the game or the high school for that matter. I went to the top of the bleachers and waited. I seen a group of people walking by, I put the symbol of 4 around one of them, then myself and vibrated the name EL, known as the God of friendship in some circles. He stopped in his tracks turned, walked right up the bleachers to me, told me he liked my boots and asked my name. We ended up being friends for the rest of my stay in Virginia. When I asked him about it later he said he just felt compelled to say something about my boots. I mean they were some pretty cool boots, but still.

One of the crazier things took place at a reception. Everyone was standing around like a school dance, the dj was trying but no one was getting into it. So I placed a heptagram over the crowd and used a God name associated with Venus to vibrate it. The place went crazy. I remember standing in the center of this sudden whirlwind thinking I was some kind of god, it was quite amazing.

After a couple more of these type of experiments I was ready to start working with the figures in conjunction with my cabalistic work. I then turned my attention back to symbolizing Ain. I went back to numerology and mathematics, and the answer hit me. Everything began to fall into place. If I looked at Ain as truly non-existence or before existence, then it would make sense that it would be a negative number. So I decided that working with the decimal points in numbers could allow me to symbolize the moving of energy in and out of reality.

Based on this I began to work the the Sephiroth in there pre-existent form. In other words if I was working with Tiphareth, I would begin with Ain Tiphareth. I would symbolize this as .0006 using my fancy new geometric alphabet. So instead of the traditional four worlds, I had the three stages of pre-existence plus the four worlds. I worked the tree in this way for awhile and soon added a couple of more stages because I was able to observe this process long enough to really get a good feel for how ideas went from nothingness into reality. I also started to abandon the Tree of Life at that point and work with pure number and concepts at that point. I would pick an idea and deduce its number and geometry and then invoke it daily using the same method I used on the Sephiroth.

Through all of this experimentation I developed what is now known as the Black Sun System. It would be my means of spiritual growth over the next decade or so. Here is a brief outline of all of the eleven rays that ended up evolving out of this process.

Ain

The first Ray of the Black Son is Ain, which is Hebrew for Nothing. It represents the idea itself, not yet having form or shape, or even thought. It is the concept of a thing. Ain is the dark womb from which all things come, the Darkness of Genesis. Mathematically it is .000 and is represented by three interlaced black circles to represent the ever expanding darkness. Ain corresponds to the idea of Nuit, for Nuit is the Mother of all and that which is ever expanding Its magickal weapon is a Black Sphere.

In the Darkness I conceive Thee.

Ain Soph

The second ray of The Black Son is Ain soph, Hebrew for No Limit. It represents the two opposite extremes of the idea. All truth must contain its opposite in order to exist, in other words, light needs darkness, good needs bad and so on. So Ain Soph are those two opposites that will allow the energy to exist. It is the clashing of these two opposites that give it its power to exist. Like positive and negative electrons, both are needed for matter to exist. This is why it is without limit. There is an infinite amount of power derived by the clashing of the two opposites. Mathematically it is .00 and is symbolized by the symbol for infinity being two circles entangled. One half is white and the other Black, to symbolize the concept of the two opposites. Its magickal weapon is a White and Black Candle or tingsha bells to represent the clashing of the two energies.

Through thine opposites I empower Thee.

Ain Soph Ur

The third ray of The Black Sun is Ain Soph Aur, which is Hebrew for Unlimited Light. It is the energy released by the clashing of Ain soph and hence the unlimited light of creation. It is the Idea complete having balanced its opposites. It is also the resolution of the conflict in Ain soph through balance. It is the concept perfected. Mathematically it is .0 and is symbolized by an empty grey or silver circle. This represents the cosmic egg and its unlimited nature. It is grey to symbolize the mixing of the white and black of Ain Soph and the fact that its force is derived from them both.Its magickal weapon is a silver or grey candle.

Through Thine Balance I perfect Thee

Adonai

The fourth ray of the Black Sun is Adonai, which is Hebrew for Lord or My Lord. In this case we use it in its more personal use as My Lord. Meaning the Higher Self or the Holy Guardian Angel. It is that power that guides us toward our works of greatness and is responsible for what we term Divine intervention. In this ray we find our perfected selves. So perfect in fact that it is beyond the physical, bridging the gap between the Un­manifest and the manifest. We find here the Lords of the Tree of Life and the Guiding intelligence. This is the seat of the Godhead. Mathematically it is the decimal point. Being in between negative and positive, yet defining them both. We symbolize it by the symbol of Spirit, as a Brilliant spoked Wheel. Its magickal weapon is the Lantern, symbolizing the lamp that lights our way.

Through Thine Guidance I reveal Thee

Atziluth

The fifth ray of The Black Sun is Atziluth, Hebrew for Nobility or Emanation. It is the first manifested realm and corresponds with Fire. It is the world of Archetypes and so is the home of the Gods and Goddesses of all religions as well as the Demi-gods and Demi-goddesses. It is the trans­formative flame of the Passions and the Cleansing flame of the spiritual aspirations. It is symbolized by the red upright triangle of fire. Its magickal weapon is a red candle.

Through Thine passion I inflame Thee.

Briah

The sixth ray of the Black Sun is that of Briah, Hebrew word for Creation. So it is obviously the ray were creation takes place after the cleansing of Atzuluth. It corresponds with water and so is symbolized by the blue inverted triangle of water. It is the home of all of the Arch angelic and Arch demonic forces. It is the watery ray of the emotions and so being is the muscle for all creation. Its magickal weapon is the cup.

Through Thine heart I createth Thee.

Yetzirah

The seventh Ray of the Black Sun is Yetzirah, Hebrew for Formation. It is the home to the Angelic Choirs and Demonic Legends. It corresponds to Air and so is symbolized by the Yellow Air Triangle. It is the mental realm were the formation takes place. Its magickal weapon is a Yellow Rose or the Censer.

With Thought I Form Thee.

Assiah

The eighth Ray of the Black Sun is Assiah, or Action in Hebrew. It is the visible universe and so corresponds to the element Earth. It is symbolized by the invert green Earth Triangle. It is the home to the Lower Angels and discarnate spirits. It is also the realm of planetary influence and planetary intelligence. Being Earth it is the world of the material universe. The first of the physical stages. Its magickal weapons are talismans, alphabets, the Earth Pentacle, and Bread.

On the Earth I give motion to Thee.

Adam

The ninth ray of the Black Sun is Adam, Hebrew for Humanity and symbolizes the physical body. It is symbolized by the Earth Pentagram and is the realm of the flesh. It rules of the physical body and the body of god according to the cabala. Its magickal weapon is the body, and Salt.

With Thine body I Invoke Thee

Ruach

The tenth ray of the Black Sun is Ruach, which is Hebrew for breath and is used here to represent the soul. It is the primitive animal soul within us. It is our inner motivation the star within us. It is symbolized by a black circle and cross and its magickal weapon is the lamp to represent the ever burning internal flame and the Black Mirror to represent the reflections into the soul.

In thine soul I become Thee

Atovam

The final ray of the Black Sun is the Atomic realm and rules over matter itself. It is symbolized by the atomic symbol of circles overlapping like an opening flower and is the glue that holds all of the sun together. Its magickal weapon is an empty container. This is the final stop of the energy before it goes back into the darkness of Ain to begin the cycle over again.

Out of the Matter I Maketh Thee

Through working with this system I had my first of many encounters with emptiness. The first one being of such a profound impact that it would take several years to put it into perspective. It was the result of one of the first times of utilizing this system. I believe I was still working within the Tree of Life. In fact I think I was working with the Sephiroth known as Binah which means understanding. So in essence I began by invoking Ain Binah or the understanding of Nothing. So it stands to reason that I would have a profound and direct experience with emptiness by doing such. I remember little of the actual experience, but what I do remember was this profound awareness of all things coming in and out of existence. I was so deeply affected by this experience that I walked around for months afterward stating that “It was all nothing in the end”. That became my mantra, my philosophy and the guiding thought in my life. I saw the black that I wore now as a symbol of this sublime emptiness. This origin and destination of all things. This was one of the most difficult periods of my life spiritually. Through this experience, I had lost all reason for living, I felt like all our efforts were futile, but at the same time felt so transcendent through this knowledge.

So there I was 21 years old, sporting my first tattoo, just a baby. Yet, I had developed a whole geometric based magickal system and through it obtained a direct experience with emptiness. Where could I go from here if all was nothing in the end anyway. Well, drive a motorcycle up the east coast of course, what else?

XII: The Brilliant Darkness

Virginia was kind to me, at first, we found a condo to rent. I found a job as the resident psychic at an occult store called Ye Olde Mystique Shoppe. Everything seemed to be falling into place. I felt like I had found my nitch and dove even deeper into my spiritual practice.

My day was filled with study and practice. This would be the beginning of over a decade in which I invoked everyday. So I would invoke, meditate and then scrye on a sacred symbol every morning. I should explain here what I mean by invoke and scrye. An invocation is like a very focused prayer. In Magick it is a means in which to focus our minds on an idea or intention. In my practice I was focused on the Tree of Life from the Cabala and so would focus on a color, Deity or Holy Name by “Invoking” it. There are three parts to a good invocation. The first part is you calling out to god, the second part is god answering you, the third is you and god talking as one. So from this you can gather the idea is to become one with Deity.

Scrying is a little harder to explain, it is a bit like meditating on a specific focal point. The difference between meditation and scrying in my opinion lies in the intention. In meditation the idea is to tame to mind and have it rest on the object. In scrying the idea is to observe the object itself in a very focused way. To observe how it feels, what its “energy” is like and if it brings anything to our mind. So it is much more of watching the sky intently observing all its phenomena. In meditation we simply observe that the sky is happening and that is all. When I scryed in those days I would pick a sacred symbol to scrye. This was usually a Rune or a letter from the supposed sacred alphabet of Enochian. Because I was using what are called sacred archetypes, these sessions were very intense and opening up all kinds of things in me.

So needless to say my practice was very intense during this period. I would then go into the shop and study the rare books they had stashed in the back. Charles who started the shop 13 years before I came had been collecting books and had some real gems. In fact when I later started collecting rare books, that library was my model. Charles didn’t like a lot of people, but he did like me and so gave me full access to his books. I was exposed to things I didn’t even know existed in those old books.

My study seemed to be more and more toward the Cabala and western mysticism. I started reading Eliphas Levi, Aleister Crowley, Arthur Edward Waite, Israel Regardie, Dr. John Dee and so on. I started to read Crowley’s eleven volume Equinox set from start to finish. I began to learn Hebrew so I could translate parts of the ancient Jewish texts on Cabala. I felt a real kinship to these old occultists. Especial Crowley, I felt like I knew him personally. It was an odd feeling that never left. I have always felt like he was an old friend in a strange way.

All of my study grabbed the attention of a local group of occultists that hung around the store. They reached out to me and basically decided that I was one of them. So all of us began talking, hanging out and comparing notes. Not only did I now have a job that was perfect for my studies, I had fallen into a community as well. Things couldn’t have been better. All the hits my ego had taken through addiction and recovery were being healed. In fact I was beginning to feel smart, powerful and important. Feelings I was not accustomed to.

Soon Carol’s Son came to stay with us for a bit and I got to play the uncle again. It was the final piece in my puzzle. I felt complete. Then circumstances beyond our control, and he was gone, wisped away by his father. I was pretty certain I would never see him again. Our little patchwork family was devastated. I will never forget that day. The little guy sat in my lap crying when we told him his dad was coming to get him. He had wanted to stay and we tried, but the legalities made it impossible at that time. He was terrified of his dad, it was an awful feeling of powerlessness. As I wrapped my arms around him I could hear him crying and feel his tears burning my arms like lava as they fell. The naive hippy new-ager died that day. A darker force moved in to take its place. I would live as a shadow for years to come.

I had started teaching meditation and magick to kids somewhere around that point and so turned more to that as those events unfolded. I think I did that to both avoid my own pain and try to fulfill my desire to be a father. I refused to teach adults stating they were too hard to reteach. My ego having grown to an exaggerated size during the year, I felt like adults were a waste of my time. I must have been quite a joy to be around in those days. This arrogance and avoidance cost my friendship with Rod. He was trying to plan a “family” camping trip for the three of us. A way to heal from all the events, I basically told him that they were not as important as my “work”. Meaning my magickal work and teaching. It was a terrible slap in the face to him considering all that he had done for me.

He was hurt and angry and asked me to leave. I went to stay with one of my new magickal pals who lived next to the shop where I worked. To me it at that time, I seen it as a logical progression to my path. Not considering at all how I had hurt Rod. We later made up, but our friendship would never be the same after that. He would be one of many that would fall prey to those darker days. I am not proud of this time in my life. I was young, arrogant, intelligent and practicing a whole lot of what I would consider hard core occultism that was giving me a false sense of power. All this being said, it was a period of accelerated learning for me, so in a greater sense I see how it was all necessary to make me who I am.

When I went to go stay with my friend, he was getting ready to go on a navy cruise, so basically left me his apartment. I had decided that I would use the time to write thinking that I actually had something of importance to say at that stage in my life. It turns out that it was a completely perfect scenario. I started to pen a book entitled “The Development of Free Will” an anarchistic philosophy of sorts. This book was more important to me than anyone else. It was all about breaking “set” or the set of ideas that we were taught. It was a book about questioning everything and only believing what you have found to be true through your own experience. In essence it was a documentation of the process that I was going through. It was never published, hardly seen, but its influence was far reaching in the sense that it influenced the way that I think of reality and the way I teach others.

Soon after my buddy got off his cruise a group of us decided we should all rent a house together so we could study and practice with others that understood, a lodge of sorts. So we found a farm house in Chesapeake Virginia and that's when things got really crazy.

Under that roof were many great transformations. The first ideas of what would later become the Black Sun System were developed. I created my system of geometric magick then. I had my first experience with emptiness and that changed everything. Although our “lodge” was short lived, it gave me the freedom and encouragement I needed to break out of my mold and develop. Although what I developed into at first was a monster, that monster’s strength later got put to good use.

Our house was pretty cool, there were initially three of us. It was three bedroom house with an attic and screened in porch. I had a temple set up in the attic since access to it was in my room. There were working altars in every room and one in the living room. We had no tv, but eventually did have a stereo. So it was music, mystique and magick all the time. I had one visitor tell me that just the experience of coming to our house was transforming. I would believe that. We were all practicing on our own. I believe we were all taking on students as well, so the amount of activity in that house on a spiritual level was quite substantial. Then there were the conversations. All of us sitting in the kitchen around the table discussing, debating and concluding. It was truly a unique environment.

By this time my interest in western magick had me deeply swimming in Crowley’s work. This with my own manifesto of free will had caused me to embrace what would be now called “Shadow Work”. I was including in my daily invocations both angelic and demonic names. My thought was that true power came from balance and that we were either blinded by light or darkness by themselves. This practice was causing all my repressed aspects to surface. I was becoming what most people would consider “evil”. I was quite aware of this and allowed it to happen, in fact encouraged it. I would joke to people that I was Satanizing my life for their protection. This is when I developed my own style of working with occultism. I would immerse myself in an energy completely then observe the effects it had on me and my environment. In this way I would have direct experience and hence direct knowledge of it. I would not recommend this method for everyone. It was the basis for the Black Sun System however.

I went deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. I dyed all my clothes black, dyed my hair black. Painted everything black, the darkness that I was experiencing had a secret and I was determined to uncover it. Black became a symbol of the mysteries, of potential, it became and still is my uniform of priesthood. I would learn from the darkness by becoming the darkness.

It was around this time I started to experiment with different ways to work with the Tree of Life. Because of my fascination with this darkness within me, I wanted to touch the greater darkness.  What the Hebrew mystics called Ain or nothing. So I set out to do just that.

XI: Summer In Circle City

Upon my return to Indiana I was pretty convinced that my calling was a spiritual one. Being asked to teach a class on healing at such a young age boosted my confidence. This caused many issues back at home, I was completely unwilling to die in a factory and so refused to pursue anything other than my spiritual endeavors. This caused a tension that led to me going to Indianapolis with my father. I had mixed feelings about all of this, but I thought at least I would have the opportunity to continue my studies.

We ended up in a total dump, I mean, not in a great part of town and if I wouldn’t have been so far in my own “airy fairy” world I would have been afraid. Still, I was bonding with my dad who had been in and out of my life. So I was enjoying at least that part of it. We had no money, were living in squalor, the hall smelled like crack, but I had my books and so I studied.

I tried working a “normal” job but being a high school drop out, I didn’t have a lot of choices. So I ended taking door to door sales type job. I couldn’t think of a worse kind of job for the head space I was in. I had zero interest in the mundane world, and was so psychically open every rejection almost brought me to tears. My brother and dad were building a house together and I attempted to help out there, which was also a bad idea. I was too spaced out in my own little world, and yet to environmentally conscious to be of any use at a construction site. In essence, I was not good for any purposes that did not involve altered states of consciousness.

Soon the powers that be stepped in and everything changed. My dad went to go visit an old girlfriend of his. I sat in the car waiting for him, he was just going to “say hi”. Hours went by, of course I just read and meditated, my usual thing to do when waiting for something. After some time a woman came out and invited me in. She said she had no idea I was out there. So I went in, to find my dad drunk on wine. I’m not sure what transpired while I was in the car, but dad upon leaving said we were going to stay with her. Which was fine with me, she lived in a cute little house in a really cool part of Indy.

Once we moved in there my life began to get really on track. In fact the most on track it had been since I had got sober. She was a very positive influence on me. She encouraged me to pursue my spiritual life but in a way that could sustain me. I began to look at it truly as a calling at that point. I realized the possibility did exist for me to be a professional medium like my friends at Chesterfield or utilize it in some other form. She was also a very talented artist, so I think she understood me on that level. We had even talked about doing some joint projects together. We had deep philosophical and spiritual conversations. I felt like we were in each others lives for a definite reason.

So once we got settled in, Dad went back to drinking and I started going back to 12 step meetings and looking at getting my GED so I would have more options. Since I was also close to Chesterfield again I was heading there whenever I had a chance. I was full speed ahead. I had my own room in her house, so I was able to set up an altar and practice my magick again. I was at this point writing down all the exercises and rituals that I would come across in my reading. I would write down what book and page number they were on, then once a month I would randomly choose an exercise or ritual to do everyday for that month. I would either use dice or cards to pick the number of exercise. I chose them this way because I was also still working with the tree of life. Working my way up the tree. I wanted to see if the two things would sink up. Usually they did, this added to my experience. I was seeing synchronicity in all my practices.

I mention this method because it actually plays a vital role in part of my experience in Indy. I was working with Tiphareth on the Tree of Life. Tiphareth is the center of the Tree and means Beauty basically. It is the seat of our compassion and love. Interestingly enough the work that was chosen for that month was a “Love Spell’ of sorts. I adapted it to my working so it became more of a spell of love. In other words, I wasn’t looking to fall in love, just find self love. I would say that it worked on several levels, for shortly after that I met Barry, who would become my first real boyfriend. Because of this I learned about loving that part of myself and loving another human unconditionally. Our relationship was very strange, spiritual, safe and wonderful. If I would have been ready, we would have been together for a long time. I however was not yet ready, one of my greatest near misses. It was my relationship with him that helped me grow leaps and bounds with my sexuality. His playful attitude toward it made it less heavy and more experimental.

Continuing on my career track, I found a program that I could take to get my GED. So I enrolled and like everything else during this time I was being led into more than I suspected at the time. It turned out to be another great experience that pushed me on my way. Not only did I get my GED I met yet another spiritual mentor.

The program was geared toward low income and in danger youth, because of this they had a counselor on staff named Brother Rob. As you probably guessed from his title Brother Rob was a Franciscan Monk. When he found out my interest in theology we would sit in his office and talk shop for hours. He told me once that when they received my application he didn’t expect me to do very well because I printed my name on it. Then once he met me, he was wondering how I ended up there. I told him about my past and my search for a Higher Power and how it had led me there. He was not only very supportive, he encouraged me to pursue my interests. He really wanted to see me attend the Indiana Universities Theology department and even wrote a letter of recommendation for me upon leaving the program.

One of the more memorable experiences I had with Brother Rob involved a quartz crystal someone had given him. Upon arriving for class one day Brother Rob came out and motioned me into his office. I’m sure by this point people thought I was either a real head case because I was always getting called in my Brother Rob. Anyway, this day in particular he called me in and held up a crystal key chain. He said that someone had given it to him for protection or good luck or something. He asked me if I knew anything about what they meant. I answered that I did and began to explain to him how crystals were used in the “New Age” community as tools. He then handed it to me and asked, if I could make it work. I laughed and said that I could, it just needed to be “charged”. He nodded and said that was good and asked me if I would do that for him since he was Catholic and he wasn’t sure how the church would feel about him “playing with witchcraft”. We both had a giggle about that and I went ahead and did what he asked. That was a typical kind of conversation between us. Brother Rob took his faith very seriously, however there was an obvious rebellious streak. He would have made a wonderful jolly mad monk.

I went through the program, passed my GED with flying colors and even received a very nice letter from my High School Counselor congratulating me. Life seemed to be write on track for me, I had picked up a part time job at a daycare. Was looking into studying theology at IU and still dating Barry on and off. Life was good. This was the first time in my life that I truly felt like I was good at something as well. Brother Rob had helped me to see that I had a mind for the philosophical and theological. He told me that it was a gift to be able to grasp those concepts and ways of thinking. He also praised my intellect, not something I was used to since I basically put zero effort in school and so scraped by with D’s. This was backed up by my above average score on the GED. I felt like I may have some potential after all.

Just as I had all this going for me, I got thrown a curve ball that sent my life in another direction altogether. My dad’s drinking had got to the point that the woman we were staying with had enough. She talked to me about it before she talked to him. She told me that she was going to tell him he had to quit drinking or leave. She said I could stay if I wanted, but that she was going on a trip and was using that as her deadline. So basically she was kindly telling me I should make other arrangements.

My dad of course was not going to quit drinking. So he opted to leave. He stood in the kitchen said goodbye and walked out the door, never telling me where he was going or what he was going to do. It would be quite some time before I seen my dad again. Although I understood him having an addictive personality myself, it still hurt me deeply. I felt like that little kid in the hall that dad told he was going away. I was hurt, angry and unsure of my own future.

I decided I would go to Seminary at Chesterfield and possibly stay with my brother until I could start school. The first part went well, in fact better than well. I pretty much decided I wanted to study spirituality for the rest of my life. The second part didn’t go so well, me and my brother’s relationship was volatile at best. I had jumped through as many hoops as I was willing to until I had reached my breaking point. I had trusted both my brother and my father and had been let down harshly. Just then my dear friends came into town and asked me to go to Virginia with them to live. This seemed like such a better option than were I was at. So I packed what little I had and rode off on another adventure.

X: Go West Young Man

I went through a period where I moved around a lot. I mean, I guess less of a period and more of a lifetime. Anyway, when I was in my early 20s going through this intense spiritual work, nothing else was important to me. So I moved wherever I thought I could focus the most on it. This was also a period of time when the mundane world and my spiritual world were at odds. I felt like the mundane world was a huge distraction from my spiritual practice and was looking for a way for the two to coexist. The problem of course was my age. Not many people wanted to seek spiritual advice from someone that wasn’t old enough to buy beer. So this time was real struggle for me.

I ended up going to Evanston, Illinois right outside of Chicago to live with my astral traveling buddy Terri and her family. I camped out in a closet in their Chicago style apartment. I tried to resolve these conflicts between my spiritual world and mundane world very unsuccessfully. I ended up clashing very hard with her husband. There were many factors at work here. I wasn’t contributing financially to the house, he was very jealous of the spiritual connection that I had with Terri. So it reached the point that I had to leave.

I had just returned back from a visit at Camp Chesterfield in which I was told there was a man in Arizona that I may want to study with. So when everything came to a head in Illinois, I decided to go out west and see what I could learn.

The trip to Arizona was eventful, I had a guy snatch my money in Pittsburgh. So I arrived in Flagstaff completely broke, with only a name of a man I had never met. I guess I should have been afraid or even concerned, but I wasn’t, in those days I was every bit the archetypal fool. Trusting in the journey and the universe absolutely.

In the bus station in Flagstaff I met German kid named Alex. We decided to travel for a bit together. If it wasn’t for Alex, I would have starved for sure. He was the son of a German politician who was running for office. His dad paid for him to come to America during the election. Alex with his messy long black hair and leather punk clothes was not the image his dad wanted around him, so Alex got to travel on his dad’s tab.

Me and Alex arrived in Sedona at night. A hippy told us we could sleep in his front yard so the cops wouldn’t harass us. So that is what we did. We kicked back under the Arizona stars, two lost souls in a land of strangers. The next day we walked around the town, Alex took pictures of everything. We talked about everything, he tried to convince me to go on to Santa Fe with him, but I told him I had to stay and find this guy to study with. So he agreed to stay a couple of days with me and check out Sedona.

That day we met a guy named Jeff at a health food restaurant called “Food Among the Flowers”. He said he had a camp we could stay in and if we wanted to wait around till his shift ended, he knew a place we could shower. So we did just that, stowed our stuff behind some bushes and walked around until Jeff got off work. We then all took showers at this girls apartment and went to Jeff’s camp.

On top of a mesa in the red rock mountains sleeping on a piece of plastic and an Indian blanket was my life for a week or so. Alex only stayed a couple of days and moved on. Jeff was making plans to move on, so I set out to find what I was looking for. I found a metaphysical healing chapel that was just getting itself together and befriended the people running it. They hadn’t heard of the guy I was looking for but did tell me that I should come to the open house they were having and maybe I could make some connections there. The woman that owned the center looked at me the same way the Chesterfield folks did and felt like I was there for a purpose. Because of this she really went out of her way to help me. I was very grateful.

The day came for the open house so I wanted to clean the dust off of me and be presentable. I took my olive oil soap down to the river and took a cold bath in the mountain waters. Put on my least wrinkled, cleanest clothes and popped in. That is when I met Ken who took an interest in me and offered me a place to stay. He said that he and his partner David had just moved there and needed someone to help them with yard work and such. So a deal was struck for a place to stay in exchange for me working around the house.

Ken and David were both into metaphysics and I had a couple of Channeling sessions with them both. Ken was a heavy drinker however, so the house was a bit crazy at times. Collectively they knew a lot of amazing people in the spiritual community, so I was able to learn a great deal while I was there. In most cases their friends looked at me as a kid, which at times was frustrating, however in retrospect, I think it allowed me to just observe and absorb all the information.

The dynamic of the household may need some explaining. For the first week it was just me and Ken there. He told me that him and David were not a couple and had made certain advances toward me. Now when David returned, it was obvious that he was the money of the house and felt for sure that he and Ken were a couple. This put me in a very odd position, especially because as time progressed I really liked David much more than Ken. Not in a romantic way, but in general. I really didn't like the fact that Ken was obviously using him. It made my place in the house very strange, sometimes when David was in town Ken would be downright mean to me, then make advances toward me and others when David was out of town. I felt very conflicted but dared not say a word because to be honest, I had a pretty sweet place to stay and if that was all I had to put up with, it was worth it.

My connection to the Healing Center remained, in fact, I began to help them paint in exchange for taking classes there, always seeking ways to expand my education. As time went on I ended up teaching some of the techniques I had learned both at Chesterfield and through channeling. It was pretty exciting to be teaching a class at such a young age. Teaching became part of my life from that moment on, if I have any gift at all, I think the ability to transmit information would be it.

I also met a friend of David's named Cindy, who was quite a famous Channel at the time, we seemed to hit it off easily. We would sit up for hours talking and spent many days on top of the mountains, meditating and Channeling. It was the only time I ever channeled with someone else. The two beings communicating to each other through us. It was a very strange experience, one that although cool, not very helpful since we were both in trance, so no one was conscious to relay the conversation. It seemed more healing than anything else. It was nice to be taken serious by someone so well known. I learned a great deal from her about existing in this world while communicating with others. It didn't quite sink in for some time, but it was good information nonetheless.

Other notable people that I had the good fortune of meeting and learning from while there was a herbalist that had developed a form of alchemy that reduced herbs down to their most powerful yet simplest state. He would then put these in cubes that only needed to be placed near the body. It was a strange form of vibration healing. His theory was that by reducing the herbs down to a simple vibration he could intensify that vibration. By doing this he felt that it would be a stronger vibration than the one created by an illness. This was the first time I had heard the theory of harmonics and waves being put to use in healing. Those notions would go on to influence me greatly in my understanding of many metaphysical processes.

I also met a female doctor that worked with various forms of chiropractic and energy healing. She owned a big piece of land that had a stream running through it. I have fond memories of laying in this creek while the cold rushing water from the mountains washed over my skin. While playing in the water we would discuss the way electromagnetic energy traveled through the spine and how by looking for blocks there, you could fix a lot of chronic conditions. This also would go on to influence my healing practice a great deal.

Most of these conversations were happening around me, only a few were with me. I was viewed like I said as a kid, and little did I know at the time that Ken had a reputation as well, so I could only imagine what they thought I was doing there. I am glad for being able to absorb such amazing information and techniques. It was perfect timing for me, I was like a sponge in those days absorbing all that was around me.

Personally I was going through some pretty intense stuff. I was playing around with Cabalistic workings with their roots in the Western Occult traditions. In other words I was doing crazy rituals in my room trying to access higher energies. For those familiar with this kind of study I was performing the Middle Pillar exercise, the Flaming Sword exercise, and I think I was doing a form of the LVX exercise as well. This along with my ongoing Tree of Life Path Working meditations. I won't get into what all that is, if you're interested there are plenty of good books on these subjects. Needless to say I was opening up a lot of energy at the time so all these conversations around me were being put into this context.

All this energy flying around also made for some strange experiences. First my psychic senses were very heightened, the energy of the mountains themselves felt like too much at times. The people there were all about “Vortex” spots and such. To me the whole place felt like a vortex. I questioned my sanity on several occasions. I began to also have strange spontaneous dreams. What I mean by that is, I would be laying down or reading and would pass out, have a crazy vision of some kind only to wake a few hours later. The strangest one happened one day when I went onto the roof to lay in the Sun. I would do this from time to time, mainly because were we lived I could get naked up there and it felt great to be naked in the Sun. Anyone that knows me knows I love to be naked! So I was up there, I laid down and boom. I was standing on a cliff with caves along its ridge. These strange luminescent beings are handing me large glowing orbs of different colors. I am taking them and putting them in an ornate trunk. As I am doing so I am receiving information from each one of the orbs. Like a psychic download or transmission. Nothing was strange about this as far as dreams go. I mean I was playing with the Tree of Life that is composed of different color orbs, each orb does have certain qualities and the whole thing involves calling upon different celestial beings, like angels and such. So the dream or vision or experience wasn't all that strange. The strange part was when I woke up it was several hours later, and I wasn't sunburned, in fact I looked the same. Even stranger, when I came down Ken asked where I was because he had gone up to get me for dinner and I wasn't up there. To this day I chalk that experience up as close encounter of the dang weird kind.

I was having these kinds of experiences more and more frequently. I wasn't sure half the time if what I was seeing was what everyone else was seeing our not. Although I felt more in touch than ever, I also felt more crazy than ever. My everyday life was like a strange supernatural movie. Let me give you another example of how my life seemed to be overlapping this other world. I was taking a bath back in David and Ken's room. They had a huge Jacuzzi style tub that they let me use whenever I wanted to. I was soaking in it, had my eyes closed and again felt things shift. So I opened my eyes wondering what was gonna happen this time. When I opened them my Great Grandmother was standing in front of me. She said she just wanted to say goodbye. I told her I loved her and she smiled and faded away. I believe it was that very night I got the news that she had passed. This was important to me, because this meant I wasn't crazy, but that I was walking in two if not more worlds at the same time. So it just felt crazy.

My time in Arizona ended badly, but perfectly. I really think if I would have stayed any longer I would have truly lost my mind. I was opening up too quickly, those mountains acted like huge amplifiers for me. I think that is why I needed to go and that is also why I needed to leave. Not to get into any crazy details, David found out about Ken's affairs, Ken threw me under the bus and David asked me to leave. For the record I wasn't involved with Ken, and at that point could hardly stand to be around him. He did continue his advances when David wasn't around, so I tried not to be around either. I'm not sure how I got dragged into what was going on between them, but it got me to move on and that much I needed.

I ended up walking to Scottsdale to find the original person I went there to study with. After looking at two campgrounds I found them. No one was home so I crawled inside their car like a vagrant and fell asleep.

I was awoke by a couple of people talking outside the car and looked up to find them looking at me. Wondering no doubt who I was and why I was asleep in their car. I pulled myself together and then explained that I had traveled from Indiana to meet them. The woman responded that I wanted her husband who wasn't in town. She invited me in however and fed me some soup. She then asked the man with her if he would put me up for the night. He agreed and I went home with him back into Sedona. He ended up being a not very nice guy, yet an obvious manifestation of my repressed sexuality and so I called my Mom in tears asking for money to get the hell out of there. I was soon on a bus back East.

It didn't take long for me to begin to feel sane again and although I believe I truly came close to losing my mind out there. I also believe it was what I needed to be able to endure the more and more subtle energies that I would later tap into. It was like my circuits needed to be blown open in order to let more currents through. This was also the beginning of my magickal explorations.

This is a good time to talk a bit about what I mean when I talk about magick and mysticism since this was the time of my life when these were very important factors in my life.

Magick in my opinion is the process of creating change both internally and externally through focusing the mind, usually through the use of ritualized actions and symbolic gestures. Furthermore coupling these actions and gestures with items that represent states of consciousness, desired results or other outcomes we symbolically create and link the actions to the intentions. This works because the mind is very powerful, but usually scattered. When we can manage to focus the mind on a single idea for even an instance great things are possible. So the ritual and symbols are a means to focus the mind on a single idea or intention. In my case I used magick to awaken understanding or awareness along a spiritual lines, a form of internal alchemy or transmutation.

Now, mysticism is a more passive form of the same thing. The mind is focused through meditation, trance, shamanic journeying or other means on a single object. Depending on the form of mysticism this can be used to observe states of consciousness, gain insight, focus the mind or access specific mental abilities.

So this is what I am talking about in a nutshell, when I begin talking about vibration, frequency, harmonics and energy, I am referring to both wave theory and brain chemistry. Meaning, in wave theory the strongest wave will harmonize weaker wave forms to it in most cases. Like playing a drum in a room with a piano, the strings of the piano will begin to vibrate to the rhythm. In magick a lot of times we are trying to create a vibration that would cause us to harmonize to other frequencies. This affects brain chemistry in ways that we are only beginning to understand. What we do know from research done on meditation practitioners is that we can actually cause physical changes in the way the brain is wired through such practices. This does in fact change the way we perceive and experience reality and as such how we process information and react to it.

So for me magick is a very scientific thing that needs to be explored, experienced and when possible documented. I wanted to make a note about that here so I don’t lose any of you who aren’t down with us mystic types. So now on with the show.