X The American Dream

Upon moving back to Indiana, I stayed with an old and dear friend of mine that I had reconnected with on my last visit. She had drank with me, gone to two proms with me and to my excitement she also had began to pursue the mystical side of things. She offered her couch to me and I eagerly accepted.

I began immediately to rekindle my relationship with my astral buddy Terri. We began to see each other quite regularly and before too long were dating. Our dating reached a serious point and we began to make plans to get married. My american dream was coming true! A small house, two beautiful kids and a wife with mutual interests and a deeply spiritual nature. She even seemed to accept the idea that I was not quite sure about my sexuality. It seemed perfect for me.

Meanwhile back in my friends tiny apartment I continued to work my own personal brand of magick and mysticism. It was during this time that I had my second direct experience with emptiness. I was taking a long bath and meditating. In those days I would use baths as a kind of deprivation tank, floating my head on the water while breathing or chanting. This particular time I was working with an aspect of Ain Soph, which means no limit and is actually the two opposing forces butting up against each other.

The meditation consisted of meeting any thought with its opposing thought until the mind was clear of all thought. In other words, if I thought of black, I would then think of white, good-bad, in-out and so on. I was doing this for some time and then it began to happen on its own. So fast that my conscious mind could not keep up with it. It was like running through a forest so fast that you almost couldn’t avoid the trees. Then coming to a vast and empty clearing. Only the clearing that I reached was in my mind, and it was clear of all thought. I recall gasping and then losing consciousness. The void that I had encountered was incomprehensible and my brain just shut down. I’m not sure how long I was unconscious, but when I came around I could see the universe pulsating. It was like seeing God breath. I was watching matter itself expand and contract with a distinct rhythm. For some time after that I would rock back and forth to the rhythm I had discovered. Still to this day, I get a sense of that rhythm especially while chanting or performing Reiki.

My relationship with Terri continued and I soon moved in with her to help her recover from a surgery. We had silver rings made that represented Ain and made planned out our wedding. We would have a small private ceremony at Camp Chesterfield with either Hoyte or Lilian performing the nuptials.

On our wedding day we went to camp walked around camp got a hotel room and met up with one of my old roommates from Virginia who performed a magickal marriage for us in one of the shrines. The next day we informed my family that I was getting hitched and they could come if they wanted. Needless to say they were more than a little confused, but to their credit, a handful showed up and my brother even had an impromptu reception at his house. It was however far more attention than either me or Terri really wanted.

We settled back into our quiet little life in Michigan. The cracks began to show almost immediately, I was battling with smoking, missing my solitary study and was generally not a very good husband. Terri needed so much more than I was really willing to give and the more she pulled the more I tugged away. I loved being a stepdad however and spent as much time playing with the kids as I could.

It all came to a head when I received a letter from a guy I had been interested in from Virginia. She knew all about him, but took the letter as a sign of my continued interest in him. This caused a huge fight that I don’t think our relationship ever fully recovered from.

Soon after this I left, going back to my friends small apartment to decide my next move. I got in contact with my old boss from Virginia who had relocated to Florida and secured a job. Anything to get me out of town and away from my American dream turned nightmare.

It was anything but a clean break, I had a couple of meetings with Terri to work things out. I was like a wild animal who had just escaped capture at that point. I was overly cautious, suspicious and unwilling to feel cornered or trapped. That is not really a very good attitude for working out a marriage. So I fled to Florida to continue my spiral down.

Now, it is important to note some of the very important events that took place during my short time as a husband. I was introduced to Zen meditation, found I really was good with kids, found my appreciation for art and realized I had absolutely no mind for astrology.

I think I also realized that I love artists and if I ever do find that special someone, they will most likely be an artist. I learned from Terri that artists are crazy in a very beautiful way. A way that I like, they see the world in a very different way than I most people. So my marriage to Terri was more of a marriage to art and spiritual practice, in that way, it has been quite successful.