IX: The Rebirth

On that couch I began to put my life together again and try to gain some perspective on my new life.  I started to go to therapy for the first time, actually went on antidepressants for a short period as I began to look at things such as my sister’s death, my sexuality and my endless search for God.  All of those topics were hard for me to discuss in this little rust belt of a town after what I had been through.

My coming out was not all that easy.  I had built what I thought was a solid support network within various 12 step programs, and when I came out I expected that support to carry through.  It did not however, I spent many nights sitting in the dark crying.  Perhaps that is why it was so easy for me to take on the persona of the tragic dark figure.  That is indeed how I felt inside.  

When I came out I was asked not to discuss it in meetings because it didn’t have anything to do with staying sober/clean.  I would argue that I used over those issues countless times.  So suddenly I felt like an outcast among the very people that I felt so welcomed by.  Some of these people I considered very close.  It hurt me quite deeply.  So much of my time on the couch and in therapy was spent letting go of that shame and finding my strength. 

I am not sure what would have become of me if I wouldn’t have had that support.  These people took me in, loved me, supported me and held my hand through one of the most difficult times in my life.  It is because of their love that I am here to write any of this.  I truly do owe them my life.

As a result of trying to piece my life back together I took a job doing “psychic readings” at a gay owned and operated bookstore called  “Mindreaders”.  The girl that ran it sat with me for six hours one day talking about all things spiritual.  We seemed to have an instant connection.  It was a good environment to be in at that time.  I was surrounded by gay literature and art doing what I was good at.

It was also the first time I got to spread my Reiki wings having been recently trained in Reiki.  That in and of itself is a story worth mentioning.  One of my dear friends had come back from out west and was all excited about Reiki.  I had never heard of it, and by what he described it sounded like a million other healing techniques that I had ran across.  I decided to take one of his classes however, more to support him than for any other reason. 

I was in for quite a shock after the attunement, I suddenly began running a fever, with cold sweats and all.  I was unable to finish the course and spent the next week in bed running a high fever.  This was what I needed to be convinced Reiki was something different than the forms of healing I had previously learned.  Since that day Reiki has been an active part of my life.  

So anyway, there I was working as a psychic in a gay bookstore, with a gay club next door, along with a cafe upstairs.  It was just what I needed to regain myself and complete the rebirth that had started to take place.  I was no longer surrounded by people that judged me, I was surrounded by people that supported me in this new phase of my life.

Things suddenly evolved one day when I arrived to do my psychic stuff and Ginger, who ran the shop called me and said she wouldn’t be coming in and asked if I would open the store and look after things.  I was a bit in shock, since, I was just the psychic.  What I didn’t know was that she had been looking for a way to get out of the shop and I became that way.

The day turned into to a week and on.  The owner came in and said “So you're running the place now?” to which I answered, “Well, I guess so is that okay?”.  He kind of shrugged and smiled.  We would later have a pretty good working relationship even though there was a lot of ugliness and drama that would take place around us.

Things continued like this for some time until Ginger decided to make the final jump and leave for good.  The owner let me run things for quite some time, I even began to stay at a motel that he owned during the week so I wouldn’t have to come in from my couch in Michigan every day.  These were some fun times for me, I was young gay and pretty.  I was most definitely having fun with it.

This all being said, I wasn’t any less dark during this time.  When I came out I didn’t become rainbow bright.  I just wore more makeup and pretty clothes.  I turned into a seductive little goth kid.  This kind of made me a freak among freaks and that made me a target of both interest and scandal.  I heard some pretty crazy rumors about myself from that time.  None of them are worth mentioning, they just served to further my dark tragic persona.  I didn’t mind actually, I may have even used it to keep people at a distance.

Soon the owner came to me and said he was going to shut the store down, he had opened it after all for Ginger and because she was no longer there, he was done with it.  I convinced him to let me take it over.  We decided on a payment plan and I took over the business.  I had no idea what I was doing, but I loved being there and the life I was living so I was willing to go for it.

From that point on the store consumed me, I was there for 12 hours a day, crashing at the motel night after night.  The store started to become a hangout place for people.  A hub of conversation and safety for people.  I even began to take on a occult students.  I was building a community around myself.  This became more so when the owner bought a huge building in the same complex and moved his bar/cafe and everything to it.  I moved with him and intentionally created a sitting area with couch and tables for people to come in and sit.  I wanted to create a safe place for people to come and discuss magick, spirituality, sexuality and the like.

That part of the business worked, the rest however did not.  I was loosing my ass, but kept plugging away waiting for a miracle.  By this point I had moved in with a goth couple that I had met in the store.  They were also helping me run the store in exchange I was paying our rent.  This way I was able to at least break away from time to time and just get out.  I was such a romantic in those days, thinking that I would meet mister right.  So much so that I most likely passed him up in my own arrogance.  I had some pretty amazing people want to go out with me.  I just wasn’t interested in anything that wasn’t young and pretty, but young and pretty meant drama, drama, drama.  I even dated a married man for a bit during that time.  I liked the fact that I could send him home if he annoyed me.  I was a shallow, tragically dark little ass hole no question. 

My practice continued as usual.  I actually had a working  altar in the shop and would invoke in morning, every morning.  So this was also a time of great magickal power for me.  I think that is why the place was such a gathering place, there was a lot of awesome energy being flung around.   The place most definitely had a vibe.

Things got harder and harder on the business end of things and so I brought in an accountant and business planner.  We all sat down and went over the books trying to figure out how to save the store.  They both basically said I would be better off calling it quits.  The sadder thing was they discovered that there seemed to be a great deal of money continually missing.  I didn’t want to jump to conclusions so I started to ask some of the people that would hang out if they had noticed anyone dipping into the register. 

I was consistently given the same answer, they had all seen my roommates buy meals for a store full of people, dip in for this and that.  Basically they had been treating it like an ATM.  I was so hurt and angry.  When I confronted them, the whole thing blew up, and ended with the police being called and us never speaking in person again.  

After closing my store and losing two people that I truly loved, I fell back into a dark deep depression.  I would sleep in a closet within a room that was painted black.  No space was dark enough, I was only awake at night and spent most of my time in a dazed depressed state.   I am not sure how long this lasted, I can tell you that I am so surprised I did not hurt myself or someone else in those days.  I had a habit of waving a gun around, and had one with me always.  Life meant nothing to me, not mine and not anyone else.  I was still convinced that it was all nothing in the end and life was just one big lie.  

It was November and I went to Thanksgiving dinner at my Grandmother’s house on my dad’s side and she said that I should move south because they were planning to move to Alabama.  So I thought about it all night and decided I would do just that.  My friend that I had stayed with in Indiana when I first came back had moved to Georgia and gotten married.  I had visited her once and loved it there.  That is what I would do then, I would go south.

I convinced another friend of mine to go with me.  So we packed whatever we could fit in her car, borrowed some money from a professor friend of mine and headed south.

XIII: The Little Prince (Of Darkness)

While I was living in the big house with the Lesbian, I took on a summer job at a local college radio station as a weekend announcer.  It was just enough for me to pay for my room and have roaming money.  When I say roaming I mean just that.  I would sleep most of the day and then get all prettied up and roam the streets at night.  I must have looked like quite a freak roaming the streets in my black trench, black hair and Siouxsie wannabe makeup on.  It is amazing that I never ran into trouble roaming the streets the way I did. South Bend, has become quite a rough town since then.

Many people were concerned about me during this time.  I showed all the symptoms of being clinically depressed.  I was just tragically goth, lost in a very difficult breakup and an even more difficult process of reinventing myself. I decided that I needed a new identity, a new energy.  I needed to become a completely different person.  So I set out to do just that.  I no longer felt like the person I was on any level.  I have only undergone those kind of extreme changes a couple of times in my life.  It was like I had suddenly remembered who I was.  My memory has gotten clearer as my life has gone on.

I spent the better part of that year dating, practicing the Black Sun System, roaming the streets and filling out paperwork to legally change my name.  You would be surprised how much paperwork is involved in all that.  Now it would most likely be impossible, this was before 9/11 after all.

Thankfully I had a dear friend that was paralegal and she helped me with all that paperwork.  This was also before everyone had a computer, I certainly didn’t have one, so I had to do all that paperwork on a typewriter and if anyone is familiar with the court system, they are unforgiving.  Everything has to be perfect.

Finally I had everything ready, had done all the prerequisites and was ready to go before the judge.  I was obviously very nervous as I waited for my turn. The woman before me was turned down for a name change and all she wanted was to change her name back to her maiden name.  The judge kinda gruffly told her she should have done that during the divorce and denied her.  I was thinking that I didn’t stand a chance, I mean I was asking to change my entire name!

Up until this moment my dealings with judges hadn’t been all that great.  I’ll go into that story a little later. As I'm standing there oozing Black Sunniness he asks me to approach the bench and asks if I had fulfilled all the requirements. I told him I had.  Then he very candidly asked me why I wanted to change my name.  I said that I had been off of drugs for several years and that I didn’t want my past to interfere in the life I was trying to build.  He asked me if I was trying to avoid any debt, to which I responded no.  He then amazingly said “Granted”.  At that moment I legally became Caleb Ryan Storms.  It is hard to believe I have ever been known as anyone else.

This was by far one of the more complicated times of my life.  I was trying to transfer all my paperwork over to my new name, While dealing with the residuals of a completely different legal matter that was going on.  Plus trying to explain to my family and friends why I was now Caleb.  

My family took it the hardest, they felt it was in some way a divorce from them and took the whole thing very personally.  I actually thought they would be pleased, oddly enough.  I didn’t think they would want to be associated with an openly gay, gender bending mystic such as myself.  I felt like I was doing them a favor.

As far as the other legal matter, this is quite a story all on its own.  It was late one night and I was feeling particularly down, swimming in my own loneliness and self loathing.  I decided to go to Camp Chesterfield to recharge my batteries.  So a friend an I jump in her car and set off.  

We were almost there when we got pulled over in the lovely Whitley County Indiana.  We were apparently pulled over for speeding, although we were coming off of a ramp, so legally we should have had time to decelerate.  That was the first clue that this was not going to be a reasonable officer.  

He took one look at me and decided I was going to jail for something.  So he began to question us about everything.  I of course was the tragic, angsty conversationalist that I normally was in those days and that didn’t help matters.

He took me in his car and ran my license.  This is where the story gets crazy.  I had a ticket from when I lived in Virginia that apparently was showing up as not being paid.  The crazy thing about this is not only did I send them a money order for it.  I also had received a valid Indiana License since then.  Which means that it was not showing up previous in the DMV records.  

On finding this out he said and I quote “I want you to teletype Virginia and see if we can bring him in on this”.  My heart sunk, this ego with a badge was actually going to charge me with driving on a suspended license from another state!  He also decided that I was suicidal and so I had a nice stay in a bright yellow padded cell.  

Being the good little occultist that I was I noticed that there was a camera in my padded pod.  So I started performing the “Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram” followed by the Black Sun Casting and then the chanting of God Names.  When I had become quite magickally delicious, I sat down to meditate.  At which point an officer came in to ask me what I was doing.  I exclaimed I had religious freedom and he needed to leave me alone.  I was not a model prisoner in the slightest.

Upon going to court however it was a different story,  I cleaned up and presented myself like a well behaved Catholic School Boy.  Even telling the judge that I worked in the radio department of the University of Notre Dame. Which was true at the time.  He basically said that I shouldn’t have been arrested really and gave me time served with the speculation that I would straighten things out with Virginia.  Which I had already done previous to my court date.  My license was suspended for 90 days and that was the end of it, or so I thought.

As it turns out I was hit by a bunch of fees after the fact because I never went back for my Indiana License.  I was also hit with a fee for not showing proof of insurance years after the event.  This is partly why Caleb Storms never drove much, the red tape I would have to weed through just to get a license is ridiculous.

After the name change, the court case and the lesbian’s house I was ready for a change.  I rekindled my relationship with my online crush through the phone. We decided or maybe I just decided to give our relationship a go.  So I packed a few boxes and headed down to Wisconsin to fulfill my internet fantasy.

My dad and step mom drove me over to Madison, where he lived.  That was a very disappointing reality call.  The person I met was not at all the person I fell for.  My first lesson in internet relationships, before there was really an internet.  Anyway, I think I only stayed a few days and then took a bus back home.  Not having a place to live I stayed on some friends couch in exchange for cleaning their house.  That was the beginning of me really looking at who I was and how I wanted to live  It was during this time that Caleb Storms was truly born.

XII: Finding Myself in a Closet

I decided during this time that I needed to figure some stuff out.  I had put it off for as long as I felt like I could.  I had continually found myself crushing on guys, yet dating girls.  The result was always the same.  I would be longing for love, would hook up with a girl.  She would begin to have feelings for me and I couldn’t commit because I didn’t want to have to give up my guy crushes.  So it always ended badly.

The girl from Florida was the last girl I would ever date.  I really liked her and realized that I hurt her very much.  I couldn’t do that to anyone anymore.  So I decided that I wouldn’t date another girl until I figured that out.  I started to slowly talk about my sexuality and even refer to myself as bisexual.  Even this was enough to put many people close to me in shock.  I certainly found out quickly who loved me unconditionally as I started exploring all this.

The range of emotion that I was experiencing at that point in my life was all over the spectrum.  I felt anger, regret, excitement, loneliness, shame and maybe a little hope buried under all that.

At first I began to flirt with a guy online, this was back in the good old days when everything was done in bulletin boards and such.  I got involved in an MOO that was like an interactive text based virtual reality.  This was before the world wide web and we would have to dial up to the university and then hop over to the MOO server.  It took forever to do anything and it was all just lines of green text on a monochrome screen.  

So through our chats I became more and more comfortable with my attraction to other men.  I had begun to express a more feminine look and for a period of time was very endogenous, which was kinda my aim.

Along with my online chatting I met a real live guy during this time.  When I met him however, I never expected us to end up dating.  It wasn’t until I was telling him about a book that I was writing about my lost opportunities for love called “Cupid’s Tears” that the topic was broached.  I told him that much of it had to do with my denial of my sexuality.  He then exclaimed that he was bi as well.  I think he was actually more bi-curious in retrospect.  I was young and new to all this so that was enough for me.

We began a very adolescent like exploration of our sexuality that I thought was very comforting at the time.  I then started to get it, the whole love thing.  I remember thinking to myself that this is what people must be talking about, writing songs about, smiling about.  It was a beautiful feeling as short lived as it was.

I soon moved into a small apartment in town determined to earn my living as a psychic.  I didn’t do very well, I was far too interested in having fun and exploring my new life.  As the friendship continued I was pretty sure I was gay, the bi part of it was the last thing I was clinging on.  My friend however was swinging the opposite way and wanted to keep our relationship a secret.  So at the moment when I wanted to come crashing out of my closet, I stayed in for his sake.

Once it was obvious that we were done, I came out, loud and proud.  My dad called this my Liza Minnelli phase.  Oh, That does remind me about another interesting thing that happened around this time.  I reconnected with my dad and I’m quite glad I did.

I had called my Grandma and she had told me that Dad was back in town and had got married again.  She told me I should call him.  I felt horrible for not staying in touch with my Grandma, but I didn’t mainly because I didn’t want contact with him.  I was so hurt and didn’t feel like I could handle his drinking in my life.  Timing is however key and at that moment, I felt very alone.  My mom didn’t react to the news of my relationship with a guy well, and I wasn’t speaking to my brother.  So I called.

I ended up talking to his new wife for a very long time.  I liked her and told her I was gay and I wasn’t sure how dad would act about all that.  As it turned out Dad kinda knew because of my rather close friendship with my hippy friend in Indianapolis.   I mean I guess it was kinda obvious.  So Dad called me when he got home and invited both me and my boyfriend over for dinner.  That scored major points with me and I forgave Dad for a lot of things on that day. We basically stayed in touch after that point until his death.  Not always consistently but we did stay in touch.  

I can’t tell you how strange it was to meet Dad’s new wife, who I would later affectionately call my “evil step mother”, only because she was actually very kind to me. To top it off having Dad and her meet my boyfriend.  Hell to have a boyfriend at all, and to introduce him that way to a parent was very strange.

Neither of my parents have ever met anyone I have dated since that time.  For whatever reason it was only important that one time.  Honestly there were only a few that I really cared for on that deep of a level.  I will always love him deeply, I hope he has found all he is looking for.

We split and remained friends for some time after.  Until I basically started living a pretty outwardly gay life.  We severed our ties around that time.  During our dating I was still chatting with a guy online.  I mean these days that sounds so bad.  In those days however it was so far from real life, it wasn’t really seen as a threat by anyone.  They knew about each other and it didn’t really matter to either one until my relationship ended and my online romance became my primary one.

So by this time I had moved out of my apartment and moved into a house with a very unstable older lesbian.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was on many levels, but wasn’t perfect by any stretch.  I had built a gay community and was even dating a bit here and there.  One of the guys I was dating would become a valuable friend that I still adore to this day.  He showed me how okay it was to be gay and was also a crazy aloof artist.  It didn’t help that he was pretty.  I would have fallen for him hard, but something told me not to.  I’m glad because I could have and it would have destroyed me.

Anyway, I went back to my crazy magickal practices as a way to manage my grief.  I walked ever so gently into my darkness, the warm darkness that would eventually define me for many people.  I was no longer just angry I was also tragic and began to identify with the many vampire characters in literature.  I became a small shadow creeping around the world, looking for power, meaning, happiness and love.

XI: The land of Gators and Monsters

After it was quite obvious that I was not fit for married life, I decided a geographical fix was in order. So I contacted one of my old radio bosses from Virginia and secured a position at his new radio station in Bradenton, Florida. It didn’t pay the greatest, but it was a radio gig and more importantly it was in Florida.

So two of my friends decided we would make a road trip of it, driving from Indiana to Florida in a van. The trip was loads of fun with only a couple of weird moments. One of them involved a little place in Little Beaver, Pennsylvania.

We had gotten a little turned around, I think we must have needed gas or some such. Anyway, we were in this little town in the middle of nowhere and I really wanted some coffee. So we found this little diner, so as my companions were looking at the map, I was making my way across a gravel parking lot toward this very uninviting diner. I say uninviting because on the marquee it simply said “Strangers”. It didn’t say “Welcome strangers” or “Go away strangers”. It simply said “Strangers”, damn creepy if you ask me.

So there I am walking toward the diner when I heard tires screeching and a beer bottle comes flying through the air. I then heard someone yell “Faggot” as the bottle crashes on the gravel in front of me. At this point I turn on my boots and begin to head back to my comrades, feeling that I didn’t really need coffee that bad.

So we decided to get some directions after that little greeting. We found a convenience store and upon pulling up, quickly realized that is where all the kids hung out. So looking around we found a delivery driver and asked him how to get to the interstate. He looked us up and down, and after telling us he added “you should go before it gets dark”. We all felt unnerved by the statement, even more because it came from a delivery driver. So we hopped in our chariot, and away we went.

My time in Florida started off pretty great, I stayed with my boss and his wife for a week or two, and then they helped me secure a small apartment close to the station. I started to meet people very quickly and it wasn’t long at all before I had a new life I was living. I still had to deal with the fallout from my brief marriage, but for the most part the whole thing started off good.

Then the station and so my job and much of what I was basing my life on at the time were in question. I had began to work on a radio show called “You will Believe” that was going to be a kind of new age, metaphysical talk show, and had even starting selling advertisements for the show. The Station went off the air for what was supposed to be a short time. The time just dragged on and I got deeper and deeper into crazy having nothing but magick and sex to fill my time.

The time I spent in Florida was quite fun for the most part. We would take weekend trips to the Florida Keys. I ran around naked a whole lot, people with pools didn’t seem to mind a naked occultist running around. So I discovered a couple of my favorite things while there. Travel and being naked.

Eventually I gave up on the station and decided to hatch a new plan. I was going to have a traveling occult store. I was going to take all that I had learned from selling shirts with Rod, and all the stuff I had learned from working at the occult store in Virginia and combine them into a traveling metaphysical shop. I thought it could be useful to all those folks in tiny towns that wouldn’t have access to such things. I think at this point I decided that I liked to travel, I had caught the gypsy bug.

So I contacted my brother and to my surprise he agreed to help me finance the venture. So after some negotiating we struck up a deal and I began to contact both suppliers and the organizers of shows to get the ball rolling while I waited for the first chunk of capital to come from my brother. Again I waited far too long and lost the home I was living in. I kept the faith however and moved in with a very tall native American with some friends.

At this point I was dating a little punk girl and practicing the Black Sun System of magick in the extreme. The combination of sex, magick, and being displaced put me in quite a crazy mind set. Although I felt very justified in my rage, in retrospect I was quite insane.

After things came to a head in the house, I was told I was evil and that I had to leave. In those days being told I was evil didn’t phase me, in fact I looked at it as a compliment in some way. Having not received the start-up funds and getting the runaround about it. I decided to take my crazy ass back to Indiana and confront my brother about it all. Not one of my prouder moments.

So burning as many bridges as I could on the way out of town, three of us piled into a car and headed north with whatever would fit into the car. The rest I left for my native American friend for letting us stay. He was always nice to me, it was the owner of the house that thought I was a psycho. He was most likely correct.

Now let me set this next scene up for you. It must have been quite a sight. I had a spiked Mohawk, but the back was long and braided. So I must of looked like some kind of alien. I showed up at my brother’s house all crazy. My poor sister in law had to deal with me, because he wasn’t home. When he got there we had words and he tried to give me a check for gas basically. I was so furious at that point that I ripped it up and tossed it in the air.

Even though my actions were being fueled by a rage spawning from a sense of victimization. My actions although radical were very honest in those days. I did not mask anything, what you saw was what you got. Although I was completely out of control, I believe it was a necessary stage of my personal evolution. It was in many ways my spiritual adolescents.

It would be some years before I would trust my brother again, this was the second time he left me hanging. It was a pattern that would be played out several more times in my life before I got the lesson in it all. Having a brother that is so very different than myself has been the source of many great lessons. It has been a constant source of both frustration and perspective. I would be a much different person if I had not had him in my sphere. I am grateful for him and all he brings to the table.

After that whole episode the crazy kids in my caravan and myself made our way to Mishawaka where we ended up crashing on the couch of a friend of mine. That all started to get very complicated for me personally. I had somehow decided at that point that I didn’t want to date girls anymore, and so wasn’t very interested in the poor girl I had dragged along with me on this adventure. Not to mention the girl we were staying with had several conflicts with my my traveling buddies.

What ended up happening is the girl I was dating went back to Florida and my other friend stayed in town, but found another place to stay. I stayed on that couch for sometime. It became my place of refuge as I figured out my sexual identity.  

X The American Dream

Upon moving back to Indiana, I stayed with an old and dear friend of mine that I had reconnected with on my last visit. She had drank with me, gone to two proms with me and to my excitement she also had began to pursue the mystical side of things. She offered her couch to me and I eagerly accepted.

I began immediately to rekindle my relationship with my astral buddy Terri. We began to see each other quite regularly and before too long were dating. Our dating reached a serious point and we began to make plans to get married. My american dream was coming true! A small house, two beautiful kids and a wife with mutual interests and a deeply spiritual nature. She even seemed to accept the idea that I was not quite sure about my sexuality. It seemed perfect for me.

Meanwhile back in my friends tiny apartment I continued to work my own personal brand of magick and mysticism. It was during this time that I had my second direct experience with emptiness. I was taking a long bath and meditating. In those days I would use baths as a kind of deprivation tank, floating my head on the water while breathing or chanting. This particular time I was working with an aspect of Ain Soph, which means no limit and is actually the two opposing forces butting up against each other.

The meditation consisted of meeting any thought with its opposing thought until the mind was clear of all thought. In other words, if I thought of black, I would then think of white, good-bad, in-out and so on. I was doing this for some time and then it began to happen on its own. So fast that my conscious mind could not keep up with it. It was like running through a forest so fast that you almost couldn’t avoid the trees. Then coming to a vast and empty clearing. Only the clearing that I reached was in my mind, and it was clear of all thought. I recall gasping and then losing consciousness. The void that I had encountered was incomprehensible and my brain just shut down. I’m not sure how long I was unconscious, but when I came around I could see the universe pulsating. It was like seeing God breath. I was watching matter itself expand and contract with a distinct rhythm. For some time after that I would rock back and forth to the rhythm I had discovered. Still to this day, I get a sense of that rhythm especially while chanting or performing Reiki.

My relationship with Terri continued and I soon moved in with her to help her recover from a surgery. We had silver rings made that represented Ain and made planned out our wedding. We would have a small private ceremony at Camp Chesterfield with either Hoyte or Lilian performing the nuptials.

On our wedding day we went to camp walked around camp got a hotel room and met up with one of my old roommates from Virginia who performed a magickal marriage for us in one of the shrines. The next day we informed my family that I was getting hitched and they could come if they wanted. Needless to say they were more than a little confused, but to their credit, a handful showed up and my brother even had an impromptu reception at his house. It was however far more attention than either me or Terri really wanted.

We settled back into our quiet little life in Michigan. The cracks began to show almost immediately, I was battling with smoking, missing my solitary study and was generally not a very good husband. Terri needed so much more than I was really willing to give and the more she pulled the more I tugged away. I loved being a stepdad however and spent as much time playing with the kids as I could.

It all came to a head when I received a letter from a guy I had been interested in from Virginia. She knew all about him, but took the letter as a sign of my continued interest in him. This caused a huge fight that I don’t think our relationship ever fully recovered from.

Soon after this I left, going back to my friends small apartment to decide my next move. I got in contact with my old boss from Virginia who had relocated to Florida and secured a job. Anything to get me out of town and away from my American dream turned nightmare.

It was anything but a clean break, I had a couple of meetings with Terri to work things out. I was like a wild animal who had just escaped capture at that point. I was overly cautious, suspicious and unwilling to feel cornered or trapped. That is not really a very good attitude for working out a marriage. So I fled to Florida to continue my spiral down.

Now, it is important to note some of the very important events that took place during my short time as a husband. I was introduced to Zen meditation, found I really was good with kids, found my appreciation for art and realized I had absolutely no mind for astrology.

I think I also realized that I love artists and if I ever do find that special someone, they will most likely be an artist. I learned from Terri that artists are crazy in a very beautiful way. A way that I like, they see the world in a very different way than I most people. So my marriage to Terri was more of a marriage to art and spiritual practice, in that way, it has been quite successful.

IX Riding Through the Clouds on a Moon Goddess

One of the lost souls that ended up in our little magickal household had a motorcycle that he was trying to sell. It was a beautiful midnight blue Honda 750 that I fell in love with and agreed to buy. Well actually take over the payments for. I named her Diana after the moon goddess and spent many hours riding her around the Blue Ridge mountains. I learned a great deal about how to be Zen riding that bike. I would say she in many ways introduced me to mindfulness before I knew what to call it. All I knew is that at moments I felt part of that motorcycle and in those times riding her was fun and simple. In the times when I would try to control her, I would feel more out of control. I remember riding her over a grated bridge for the first time. I felt like I was going to die for sure. Four lanes of speeding traffic around me. I hit the grate doing about 70 and the bike felt like it was going to slide out from under me. The more I tried to keep her straight the worse it got. So I just let her lead the way and wobble. I trusted this machine not to kill me, and she didn’t. It was a big lesson in letting go and letting things happen.

By this point in my life I was the only employee in the radio station, so I sat alone all day and studied or meditated. I was far from a nice guy with all my shadow work, and for the most part I think people feared me more than respected me. Magickally speaking of course. So I wasn’t what you would call happy, but I was excited and intensely into my study. It was the perfect time for a road trip.

My cousin was getting married and I decided to ride Diana from Virginia to Michigan taking a scenic route through the mountains. I cleared the time off with my boss, prepared Diana with new tires and battery and plotted my trip. I didn’t know then but that trip would be one of those life altering trips on several levels.

I set out on my trip looking like a heavy metal road warrior, with long black hair, spiked leather jacket, black lineman’s boots that went up to my knees. It was obvious wherever I went I was most likely not from there. I remember one of the first places I stopped to eat, it was a little local diner. There was this kid probably around ten or so that walked with a limp. He stared at me the whole time I was eating and then followed me out when I was leaving. He was one of those people that you could read his whole story in his eyes. curious but very sad eyes. I sat on my bike and he got on his bicycle as if he was going to ride off with me. I think I gave him a ride on the bike, I’m not certain, I do remember we talked and he was all aglow by the time I left. I guess It would have been cool to have this dangerous looking guy be nice and cool to you. Kinda like getting a nod from one of the cool kids. Even in all my darkness, I had such a strong parental motivation, I would do anything for any kid. It was this that would later save me from myself in years to come.

Riding through the Smoky Mountains was amazing. I hit the mountains right at dusk as the clouds were descending. I hit a rest stop because I was soaking wet from the moisture within the clouds. I have to say that was such a mystical experience to know that I was riding a motorcycle through clouds and getting wet from rain that had never fallen. I stayed there for a bit and then moved on riding not only my bike Diana, but a spiritual high from riding in the clouds.

As the trip wore on I was getting tired, although I physically felt awake. The wind hitting my body at 90 miles an hour kept me up. My brain however started to drift off into hallucinations. This happened a couple of times, but it was no big deal, it was like day dreaming. Then there was something in the road, it looked like part of a building. Like a barn that had fallen off a truck or something. As I got closer I realized it was a small white house in the middle of the highway. I swerved to miss it only to wake up! I had completely fallen asleep going 90 on a motorcycle. I had tried to avoid a house that I had dreamed. It was time to pull over and get some sleep.

This is when things got all “Twilight Zone” on me. I pull into this motel being the only thing in site. Walk into the lobby looking like something out of "Road Warrior" still dazed from almost crashing into a dream house. I get my room and then ask the girl behind the counter where I was. She said “In Woolsey Ohio”, to which I asked. “Where is Woosley Ohio?. She answered, “Somewhere in Ohio.” I thought to myself, oh shit, i’m still on my bike dreaming.

I started to walk to my room and there were all these kids in tuxedos in the parking lot. With nothing in sight but the highway I was certain now that I was still dreaming. Once I got to my room and called my cousin. I asked him to get a map and look up Woolsey Ohio. He said he couldn’t find it, I was sure I was in the “Twilight Zone” or was asleep. So I told him I was going to go to bed and either I would wake up in Woolsey or on the side of the road. We both laughed and I went to bed.

Obviously I was really in this strange place in Ohio, or this is a very long dream. Either way, I got up and hit the road, not wanting to be late for the wedding. So I made my way into Michigan stopping at my Grandmother’s house to get ready, and she lovingly brushed the tangles out of my wind knotted hair.

After the wedding I rented a motel room for the first night, had dinner with my mom and step-dad, then set out to connect with some old friends. The most eventful part of my stay was my reconnecting with Terri. I ended up spending a great deal of time with her, playing with the kids, giving them all rides on the bike and generally falling in love with the idea of a companion, a family, a house, all that. Before I left town, I felt like I would come back sooner than later. I had made up my mind that I wanted a white picket fence a couple of kids and a dog. Who better to share this with than the woman that I would fly around the astral plane with. My life was complicated in Virginia however, so I had to go back and sort it, but that turned out to be easier than I thought.

The ride back to Virginia was not as eventful as the ride up, however it did have its moments. One of the most memorable took place somewhere in the Ohio Valley. I had seen some signs that said to gas up before reaching such and such mile marker. I of course ignored these warnings thinking that I would be fine on a motorcycle. I was sadly mistaken, I found myself in the middle of the Ohio Valley riding on the reserve tank hoping to find someplace to gas up.

I pulled off the interstate into a small mining town with a whole lotta nothing in an attempt to find some gas. I eventually found a little gas station with a couple of “good ol’ boys” sitting on the back of a pickup truck looking at me in the most unwelcoming way. I pumped my gas and went inside to pay. The old man behind the counter asked me how much I pumped, I kinda shrugged. This must have angered the gentlemen, because he then began to educate me about the workings of his little establishment. He said “This ain’t the city with fancy pumps, I can’t tell how much you pumped unless you tell me”. So I handed him a twenty and explained I was on a motorcycle so it couldn’t be more than that and began to walk out the door.

I was almost to my bike when I hear the old man calling to me. He looks at the pump and begins to make change. As he handed me my change he almost whispered to me. “Now get on that thing and get the hell out of here, I can hold those boys off for awhile, but not for long”. To which I responded “Yes sir”, hopped on my bike and jetted off.

On my return to Virginia, I was disappointed to learn that things had began to unravel. My boss had hired two people to fill in for me when I was gone and told me it was my job to fire them. My living situation had got stranger as one of my roommates was on a Mediterranean Cruise in the Navy. Another left, and the newest moved his girlfriend in.

With all these changes I decided to move in with a couple of other Navy guys I had met. It didn’t last long, I lost my job at the station and had a chip on my shoulder the size of Taxes. It was the first chance that I had to really play with a computer. My roommate got a new machine from his dad, and for a short time I had use of his old one. That was the beginning of my love of technology.

As things fell apart, I thought about Terri and the little family in Michigan. I most likely wanted it to fall apart so I could pursue that life. When things came to a head, that is what I did. I went back to Indiana, knowing that I was going back to see what would transpire with Terri. I didn’t want to be the asshole I had become, I thought maybe a family was what I needed.

My time in Virginia had served me well, I had learned more in those couple of years than I thought possible. I had created a working magickal system, designed a Tarot deck with a science fiction artist. Stood naked on a cliff in the Blue Ridge mountains invoking dim gods, sat spitting distance from fighter planes performing touch and go drills, ran a radio station, fell in love, touched nothingness, snuck onto a military base or two. My work there was done I was ready to move on.

XIII: Its All Nothing in the End

As my time in Virginia went on I left the occult shop and took on a job at a local radio station. I feel into the job because the owner was a client of mine and came to me from time to time for readings. He mentioned that he needed someone to fill in and run the board a couple of nights a week. It was perfect for me because it was down the street from our house, in the middle of the woods and many of my favorite people worked there. So I started a rather strange career in the radio business.

My explorations into the meaning and access of Ain only grew as I now had a hermetic life in which I could work on the concepts that were developing in my mind. This was the true birth of the Black Sun System as well as my first direct experience with Nothingness that would so drastically change the course I was on.

I began to work with the Tree of Life on a purely numerical basis utilizing my background in Numerology. So when I was working with Yesod the ninth Sephiroth on the Tree of Life, I did everything in increments of nine. This evolved to the point that I would string together the verses in holy books numbered nine, made tapes from cd's with only the ninth track on them and so on. The idea was to begin to resonate at the same frequency as the number nine and hence aid in my invocation of Yesod.

I did this with every Sephiroth that I worked with. Still I needed a way to experience each of the Cabalistic worlds in a separate and complete way. Only by doing this could I accomplish the ultimate goal of having a direct experience with Ain. In my work and isolation the answers started to come to me like a madman’s vision it started to consume me. I was becoming the magickal process itself already. How far could I push it until insanity was the only outcome?

In order to separate the worlds I started to work them in their descending order. Atziluth being the one where Deities live and hence the most subtle. It is associated with fire and the Divine names of the Cabala. So I would work with only fire, Deities and the color associated with Atziluth for a month. Then I would go do Briah and do the same, then Yetzirah and Assiah. Each time working only with the symbols of that world and the number of the specific Sephiroth. Reaffirming that idea through my invocations. In other words I would “Invoke” Atziluth Yesod, then Briah Yesod and so on, doing everything nine times or things listed as nine. This made me seem like a crazy person, but it worked, my every thought was in line with the magickal intention. When I moved to Hod I did the same, did everything in eights, only listened to track eight on a cd and so on. Bringing it down through all four of the cabalistic worlds. The very act of living became my ritual starting with my morning invocation and ending with my nightly invocation.

As I worked this process through a couple of times, I realized that number was a huge component and perhaps held the key to my desire to experience Ain. So I started doing some more research and experimentation. I took a deeper look into Hebrew Gematria, an ancient form of numerology. Within this system they state that any two or more things with the same numerical value have a harmony or relationship of some kind. For this reason they do not reduce the numbers down to base nine like what is done in Pythagorean Numerology. What I mean by this is that in Pythagorean Numerology if you have something with a value of 224 it is reduced by addition 2+2+4=8 or 993 would be 9+9+3=21=3 and so on. In Gematria the 224 would stay 224 and the 993 would stay 993, this limits the things that would have the exact same value and so seemed more accurate to me. I also strongly agreed with the idea that things having the same numerical value had a relationship. I had found that to be true in my own experiments. I found by listening to only track 9 on 20 different cd's, it told a story and conveyed the ideas represented in Yesod. I began to see the universe as less chaotic and began to see these numeric threads throughout.

Based on all this I decided that I would work within the Gematria idea of raw numbers showing the harmonious relationship of ideas. I would also keep the Pythagorean idea that all things could be represented by number, including the idea of Ain. I further started to explore Plato’s and Pythagoras’ ideas of geometry. Plato surmised that all number could be represented in geometry and in essence geometry within nature is mathematics. Pythagoras felt the same including his research on re-occurring geometric patterns within nature and how they comply to mathematical formulas. I realized from all this four very important things. All things could be represented by number, all numbers could be represented by geometry, geometry is naturally occurring and because of all of the above, I could recreate any energy geometry and use that geometry to invoke it like a sacred geometric alphabet.

In all of this the concept of Hebrew Gematria and harmony of number was also rattling around in my head. Through further research and pondering I started thinking about wave theory and harmonics. Working at a radio station at the time, I got a crash course in how frequencies work, why they work and basic wave theory. According to wave theory the strongest vibration always wins. Put a bunch of instruments in the same room and play one of them, the others if they have any parts that vibrate, strings, heads so on, they will all vibrate to the instrument you are playing. Pound a drum in a room with a piano and the strings will vibrate to the rhythm. Do the opposite and the snare will vibrate to the pounding of the piano keys. I began to think that the reason my way of working the Tree of Life was so successful was because of this. I was causing myself to harmonize by surrounding myself with the number of the Sephiroth. I felt the effects would be even more so if I could surround myself with a geometric figure of that number. I began to experiment with this idea on myself and other unsuspecting citizens.

My first task was to create a geometric alphabet of sorts to consistently represent number. My thoughts went back to Lillian Majors and how she taught me numerology. She always talked about numbers being dynamic and changing based on the way other numbers would act upon them. This eventually led to the way that I would draw numbers, nesting them inside of each other to create a glyph that would appear to be spinning. I would also try to look at numbers the way that she did, try to get a feel for them to tell their story. I ended coming up with I have since termed the evolution of number which gives the why and how of the geometric representations of each number.

After creating my geometric glyph it was time to figure out how to use them. So I would work with each number starting with one drawing symbols and vibrating a corresponding cabalistic God name with them and see what would happen. Let me explain this better, we will use four as our example. I decided of course to use a square to represent four. This may seem very obvious, but there were many variables that I thought about, It has four points, symbolizes the four elements, is the shape of the foundation of most structures and so on. So in meditation I would visualize myself in a purple square and “vibrate” or chant the God name EL, because in Hebrew it is equal to four. I would then wait to see how the figure would react. If it seemed to grow brighter or the energy around me changed I knew I had the right figure, if not then I would try a different one. In the end I think the only thing that mattered was the number of points, the geometric manifestation of the number itself. However, I did this work with one through ten until I was satisfied with my results.

I then had to test these figures out on others to see if they had a consistent result. I would go to public events and visualize symbols around people while “vibrating” the God Name and see what kind of response I got. After the first few times I tried this, I realized I was onto something. The reaction they would have was immediate and obvious. I once went to a high school football game down the street from our house. I knew no one at the game or the high school for that matter. I went to the top of the bleachers and waited. I seen a group of people walking by, I put the symbol of 4 around one of them, then myself and vibrated the name EL, known as the God of friendship in some circles. He stopped in his tracks turned, walked right up the bleachers to me, told me he liked my boots and asked my name. We ended up being friends for the rest of my stay in Virginia. When I asked him about it later he said he just felt compelled to say something about my boots. I mean they were some pretty cool boots, but still.

One of the crazier things took place at a reception. Everyone was standing around like a school dance, the dj was trying but no one was getting into it. So I placed a heptagram over the crowd and used a God name associated with Venus to vibrate it. The place went crazy. I remember standing in the center of this sudden whirlwind thinking I was some kind of god, it was quite amazing.

After a couple more of these type of experiments I was ready to start working with the figures in conjunction with my cabalistic work. I then turned my attention back to symbolizing Ain. I went back to numerology and mathematics, and the answer hit me. Everything began to fall into place. If I looked at Ain as truly non-existence or before existence, then it would make sense that it would be a negative number. So I decided that working with the decimal points in numbers could allow me to symbolize the moving of energy in and out of reality.

Based on this I began to work the the Sephiroth in there pre-existent form. In other words if I was working with Tiphareth, I would begin with Ain Tiphareth. I would symbolize this as .0006 using my fancy new geometric alphabet. So instead of the traditional four worlds, I had the three stages of pre-existence plus the four worlds. I worked the tree in this way for awhile and soon added a couple of more stages because I was able to observe this process long enough to really get a good feel for how ideas went from nothingness into reality. I also started to abandon the Tree of Life at that point and work with pure number and concepts at that point. I would pick an idea and deduce its number and geometry and then invoke it daily using the same method I used on the Sephiroth.

Through all of this experimentation I developed what is now known as the Black Sun System. It would be my means of spiritual growth over the next decade or so. Here is a brief outline of all of the eleven rays that ended up evolving out of this process.

Ain

The first Ray of the Black Son is Ain, which is Hebrew for Nothing. It represents the idea itself, not yet having form or shape, or even thought. It is the concept of a thing. Ain is the dark womb from which all things come, the Darkness of Genesis. Mathematically it is .000 and is represented by three interlaced black circles to represent the ever expanding darkness. Ain corresponds to the idea of Nuit, for Nuit is the Mother of all and that which is ever expanding Its magickal weapon is a Black Sphere.

In the Darkness I conceive Thee.

Ain Soph

The second ray of The Black Son is Ain soph, Hebrew for No Limit. It represents the two opposite extremes of the idea. All truth must contain its opposite in order to exist, in other words, light needs darkness, good needs bad and so on. So Ain Soph are those two opposites that will allow the energy to exist. It is the clashing of these two opposites that give it its power to exist. Like positive and negative electrons, both are needed for matter to exist. This is why it is without limit. There is an infinite amount of power derived by the clashing of the two opposites. Mathematically it is .00 and is symbolized by the symbol for infinity being two circles entangled. One half is white and the other Black, to symbolize the concept of the two opposites. Its magickal weapon is a White and Black Candle or tingsha bells to represent the clashing of the two energies.

Through thine opposites I empower Thee.

Ain Soph Ur

The third ray of The Black Sun is Ain Soph Aur, which is Hebrew for Unlimited Light. It is the energy released by the clashing of Ain soph and hence the unlimited light of creation. It is the Idea complete having balanced its opposites. It is also the resolution of the conflict in Ain soph through balance. It is the concept perfected. Mathematically it is .0 and is symbolized by an empty grey or silver circle. This represents the cosmic egg and its unlimited nature. It is grey to symbolize the mixing of the white and black of Ain Soph and the fact that its force is derived from them both.Its magickal weapon is a silver or grey candle.

Through Thine Balance I perfect Thee

Adonai

The fourth ray of the Black Sun is Adonai, which is Hebrew for Lord or My Lord. In this case we use it in its more personal use as My Lord. Meaning the Higher Self or the Holy Guardian Angel. It is that power that guides us toward our works of greatness and is responsible for what we term Divine intervention. In this ray we find our perfected selves. So perfect in fact that it is beyond the physical, bridging the gap between the Un­manifest and the manifest. We find here the Lords of the Tree of Life and the Guiding intelligence. This is the seat of the Godhead. Mathematically it is the decimal point. Being in between negative and positive, yet defining them both. We symbolize it by the symbol of Spirit, as a Brilliant spoked Wheel. Its magickal weapon is the Lantern, symbolizing the lamp that lights our way.

Through Thine Guidance I reveal Thee

Atziluth

The fifth ray of The Black Sun is Atziluth, Hebrew for Nobility or Emanation. It is the first manifested realm and corresponds with Fire. It is the world of Archetypes and so is the home of the Gods and Goddesses of all religions as well as the Demi-gods and Demi-goddesses. It is the trans­formative flame of the Passions and the Cleansing flame of the spiritual aspirations. It is symbolized by the red upright triangle of fire. Its magickal weapon is a red candle.

Through Thine passion I inflame Thee.

Briah

The sixth ray of the Black Sun is that of Briah, Hebrew word for Creation. So it is obviously the ray were creation takes place after the cleansing of Atzuluth. It corresponds with water and so is symbolized by the blue inverted triangle of water. It is the home of all of the Arch angelic and Arch demonic forces. It is the watery ray of the emotions and so being is the muscle for all creation. Its magickal weapon is the cup.

Through Thine heart I createth Thee.

Yetzirah

The seventh Ray of the Black Sun is Yetzirah, Hebrew for Formation. It is the home to the Angelic Choirs and Demonic Legends. It corresponds to Air and so is symbolized by the Yellow Air Triangle. It is the mental realm were the formation takes place. Its magickal weapon is a Yellow Rose or the Censer.

With Thought I Form Thee.

Assiah

The eighth Ray of the Black Sun is Assiah, or Action in Hebrew. It is the visible universe and so corresponds to the element Earth. It is symbolized by the invert green Earth Triangle. It is the home to the Lower Angels and discarnate spirits. It is also the realm of planetary influence and planetary intelligence. Being Earth it is the world of the material universe. The first of the physical stages. Its magickal weapons are talismans, alphabets, the Earth Pentacle, and Bread.

On the Earth I give motion to Thee.

Adam

The ninth ray of the Black Sun is Adam, Hebrew for Humanity and symbolizes the physical body. It is symbolized by the Earth Pentagram and is the realm of the flesh. It rules of the physical body and the body of god according to the cabala. Its magickal weapon is the body, and Salt.

With Thine body I Invoke Thee

Ruach

The tenth ray of the Black Sun is Ruach, which is Hebrew for breath and is used here to represent the soul. It is the primitive animal soul within us. It is our inner motivation the star within us. It is symbolized by a black circle and cross and its magickal weapon is the lamp to represent the ever burning internal flame and the Black Mirror to represent the reflections into the soul.

In thine soul I become Thee

Atovam

The final ray of the Black Sun is the Atomic realm and rules over matter itself. It is symbolized by the atomic symbol of circles overlapping like an opening flower and is the glue that holds all of the sun together. Its magickal weapon is an empty container. This is the final stop of the energy before it goes back into the darkness of Ain to begin the cycle over again.

Out of the Matter I Maketh Thee

Through working with this system I had my first of many encounters with emptiness. The first one being of such a profound impact that it would take several years to put it into perspective. It was the result of one of the first times of utilizing this system. I believe I was still working within the Tree of Life. In fact I think I was working with the Sephiroth known as Binah which means understanding. So in essence I began by invoking Ain Binah or the understanding of Nothing. So it stands to reason that I would have a profound and direct experience with emptiness by doing such. I remember little of the actual experience, but what I do remember was this profound awareness of all things coming in and out of existence. I was so deeply affected by this experience that I walked around for months afterward stating that “It was all nothing in the end”. That became my mantra, my philosophy and the guiding thought in my life. I saw the black that I wore now as a symbol of this sublime emptiness. This origin and destination of all things. This was one of the most difficult periods of my life spiritually. Through this experience, I had lost all reason for living, I felt like all our efforts were futile, but at the same time felt so transcendent through this knowledge.

So there I was 21 years old, sporting my first tattoo, just a baby. Yet, I had developed a whole geometric based magickal system and through it obtained a direct experience with emptiness. Where could I go from here if all was nothing in the end anyway. Well, drive a motorcycle up the east coast of course, what else?