I want to start off by saying this is completely our of order chronologically, I just wanted to put it out there because there seems to be so much darkness in the world and I hope that this little story will maybe let some light in. That is really what this story is about, letting the light in and it has been on my mind because its August and I always think about my journey in August, the reasons for it will become clear. So let us begin at the beginning.
Many years ago I had a friend that had a baby boy, I ended up playing quite a large roll in his life and subsequently he in mine. When he was three me and his mother decided I should adopt him so that I could officially act as a parent. We did this and that changed my world view quite radically. I decided at that point that all the anger, hatred and resentment that I carried around didn't need to be passed on to him, that it wasn't his and he deserved better. So I started to explore Buddhism because it seemed to me to talk a lot about loosing ones anger. For this and several other reasons I called my adopted son my Buddha.
This exploration began by reading a book entitled "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche. In this book he outlines a meditation to develop more compassion in your life. I began to practice this meditation and the transformation began. In those days I wouldn't call it dramatic, but it was a start. I would say I hated less.
Now lets fast forward a couple of years, the boy is now 5 almost 6 and as a result of many circumstances I was put in the position of having to fight to see him. I was torn up inside to say the very least. I was so full of rage feeling the victim and wanting to really hurt those responsible. As I was raging about town, I had people give me postcards telling of the Dalai Lama's Visit to Atlanta. At one point I was in a store and a hippie walked in handed me the postcard and walked out never giving one to my friends, just me. At this point one of my friends said "well, I guess your going to see the Dalai Lama" I shrugged and said "I guess I am".
The day came to go see His Holiness and it was pouring down rain. I was all in black, looking like an angry black rat. The rage that poured out of me was obvious, I seen pictures of the event in the paper later and you could tell where I was because in this sea of people there was this black speck, with no one around it, that was me. Eventually a friend of mine did show up so I didn't feel so alone.
Then he walked out on stage and greeted the crowd. Everyone stood up and laughed for no reason, and I found myself doing the same, His joy was infectious, then he stopped and put his hands together like in this photo and looked right at me. At first I thought he was looking at the photographer in front of me, but then he seemed to look over him and right at me. I mean, he was still quite far away, and he may not have been even able to see me, but I felt something very powerful just then.
Then he started to speak and he talked about how the most important thing a parent can do is teach their children compassion. I openly wept at that, he had shown me what I was doing, he had disarmed me in one sentence. I realized that I was putting out all this hate and forgetting the most important thing. This was all about a child, he needed love and compassion, not a war. So I decided that from that point on I would put him first and not do things just to win or hurt the people that had hurt me.
This is when the story of me and the Buddha starts to get weird. I get on the train to go back home and on walks a couple of monks with an interpreter. They were talking among themselves and then the interpreter asked me what I thought of H.H. The Dalai Lama, and I said I couldn't answer him because I would cry. He only smiled and nodded as though he completely understood. Then he told this to the monk and the monk said something back. The translator then said in a British accent that if I had any questions that this monk was Khalkha Jetsun Dhampa the head of the Mongolian monastery. I wasn't as impressed then as I should have been, but I was still very impressed.
After a bit of a ride and soaking in the really good vibes the English chap asked me how to get to a certain place via the train and I told him that I could show them because I was going basically in the same direction and that navigating could be tricky because you had to switch trains at a certain spot. So they agreed and I led these revered monks to there destination safely. Once we arrived Khalkha Jetsun Dhampa asked through the interpreter if I had brought a camera, oddly enough this was before the Photo-Monk Project so I didn't have one with me. So I answered that I came only with an open heart, to which he responded by grabbing my hands and bumping heads with me, a form of blessing. I of course cried the entire time home.
A couple of weeks later this kid walks into the shop that I work and remembers me from that day, he tells me that he was also on the train with the monks. I remember him and we talked, I told him the above story and he leaves. Then the next day I'm standing out side and that same kid walks up to me and hugs me. He says that he had been thinking about out conversation all night and he just had to come back and thank me and hug me. Again I found myself crying.
That situation with my Little Buddha would straighten out and he was again a regular part of my life, but I had changed a great deal, I would begin to really explore Buddhism over the next several years and continued to open my heart and develop a stronger sense of compassion. It was easy to do with my boy around. He was a constant source of compassion for me. Then it would happen again, this time he was taken away for good, and I was going to have to enter into the court system to even have access to him. Instead of instantly going to rage, I looked at what was best for him and was patient. In fact I was just going to let it all work itself out until his court appointed lawyer came to see me and asked me to fight for custody, she almost begged me. I of course agreed, I told her I didn't even think I could fight for custody. She said I could and I should, she was actually quite wrong about that and it was a devastating blow. Because I fought for custody his grandmother vowed to never let me see him again. She has so far kept her vow. This is why I think about this kind of thing in August, he will be 14 the 29th of August.
I knew then I had to make a decision. I had to decided if I wanted to go back to the person I was before he entered my life, or if I wanted to find a way to apply all the compassion I had generated for him to the rest of the world. Of course I knew it would be easier to just shut down and go back to how I was. I also knew I really didn't want to do that so I decided I would try to open up to the world. So I started to study more seriously Buddhist texts and even received a couple of Tibetan Buddhist empowerments that are like direct transmissions of the Dharma from a teacher to a student.
My first was a Medicine Buddha empowerment, my thought was that it would go well with my Reiki practice. It is such a compassion based empowerment that I really think I needed it to keep my heart open. To this day I do Medicine Buddha practice a couple times a week.
The second empowerment I received was Vajrasattva, who is known as the Buddha of emptiness. This seemed to be perfect for me at the time, I had so much old stuff that needed to go so that I could even begin to understand where this whole crazy journey was taking me.
Around this time I was getting heavily tattooed and was using the tattoo sessions to chant and practice meditation. As a result I was having some real spiritual experiences. Now all this being said, I don't want to
lead anyone to think that I was able to just go from great loss to great compassion. I was a mess for quite some time as a result of having the one person that I loved absolutely ripped from my life. I was however working very hard at my spiritual life, most likely because of the amount of emotional pain that I was experiencing. It was during this time that I had my next big break through.
I was getting a reclining Buddha tattooed on my arm by my friend Bekki. I was thinking about the historical Buddha's life, because the reclining Buddha represents when the Buddha passed on. As I was thinking about the life of the Buddha, I began to think about how he left his wife and son to go off and seek enlightenment. That part had never made since to me. At this stage it made even less since to me because I would do anything to be with my boy. I couldn't imagine leaving him on purpose. Then it all hit me, as the tattoo machine hummed, my thoughts raced. I finely understood that Buddha had left because he knew he had no answers to give his son. That his son would get sick, grow old and die and he could offer him no peace, no answers to why. So he went off to find those answers and after obtaining enlightenment returned to ordain his son. I understood his love was so unselfish, so pure and so necessary to drive his search for enlightenment. This made me realize that I had to use my situation as the same, even though I did not choose it, I could use it as a motivation so that when and if I ever see him again I could offer him compassion and not anger, regret, jealousy and so on. I would seek enlightenment like the Buddha for the same reasons the Buddha did, to give those that I love a way out. After that my pursuit of enlightenment became my obsession and so I became quite an accidental Buddhist at that point. Stumbling into one awakening after another.
My next strange shift in consciousness happened one night after teaching a class. One of the students asked me if I could have anything in the world what it would be and I said "I want to see what Buddha seen". With that idea clear in my mind I set out to go home and began contemplating Hotei or the fat Buddha you see depicted in Chinese culture. He has a lot of stories and myths surrounding him but I was thinking about one in particular, in which he was a monk who obtained enlightenment after dropping his laundry bag or letting go of his burdens. On contemplating this I asked myself what my burdens where and if I really thought that we could really be enlightened in a single moment like that.
Then I seen this light out of the corner of my eye, it was coming from this man that was walking up the stairs, he was using crutches and so I thought that for some reason his aura was extra bright or something because of his condition. Then someone else came on the ramp and I could see the same kind of light coming from them. It looked like a miniature universe spiraling out of their chest! Then I realized I was seeing their Buddha nature. I could feel it tugging on mine, then I realized it was all the same like a stream gathering in puddles along the way and we where the puddles. I fully expected that experience to be gone when I woke up the next morning, chalking it up to exhaustion or a heightened state of awareness from my long period of meditation the previous day. It was still there however the next day and the next and the next for quite some time. I would look at people and see this universe spiraling out of there chest.Having no idea what the hell was going on I continued my meditation and study.
My next experience was a big one, I was standing in front of the shop that I was working in thinking about the Buddha's teachings. I was thinking about how he said that all life was suffering and yet in Nirvana there was no suffering but Nirvana and Samsara (cyclic existence) where the same. I am paraphrasing of course.
As I thought about this my mind started to really pick apart the nature of suffering, going deeper and deeper. I finally reached this point that I knew that if I continued contemplating this I would die. I mean I really felt like I would die if I continued. So of course I continued and at that moment I decided that I would be willing to die to understand, I heard this sound in my head that sounded like breaking glass and I was everywhere spreading out in every direction. I understood everything and I didn't exist. I wrote this email to some of my friends shortly after to just document it a little. I was quite insane when I wrote it, but in a really good way:
"Hello all,
I am writing this email to try to quantify an enlightened experience. Not only am I trying to document the events, but also I have a deep need to pass on what in site this mind gained as a result. It is my further hope that some of you may be in a place were this experience may benefit you in your own path toward enlightenment. Nothing that is about to be said is new. The only importance that it has here is that these experiences and in sites were gained using this mind and this body.
Upon contemplating one of the Buddha's teachings, the slow dismantlement of self began. I was thinking about the nature of suffering and how the Buddha related that in Nirvana there was no suffering, however he also said that he realized that most beings in the world were experiencing suffering. He also taught that all existence ended in suffering. I was trying to make since out of what seemed like two very contradictory thoughts. At that point I began to trace back the source of suffering. This happened so fast that I cannot even relate what stages took place.
The next few stages seemed to happen all at once as my mind began to give in to the Buddha mind. I realized that all suffering stemmed from the idea of "self", that without the 'self there would be no experience of suffering". Then I began to think about what the self was. It was at this point that all began to break apart. Realizing that the 'self' was nothing more than the stored data collected from the apparatus known as the body. This was followed by the realization that when this body dies all that I held as me would be gone. The true nature of the self was no were to be found within the body or brain. These are old truths, the experience of them however was very different than the intellectual understanding of them.
What happened next is the topic of this email. My mind was gone, this body and this mind were no longer associated with my existence. The Buddha nature was in this body and in this mind. The universe at that point was much different. There was a since of sameness that I can only describe as true reality. I spent much time trying to figure out a way to explain it. The best I could come up with is that if you plug in a coffee pot, it will act as a coffee pot. If you unplug it and plug in a toaster into the same outlet it will act like a toaster. What Buddha showed me was that this body and this mind is neither the toaster nor the coffee pot the the current itself that animates them both. At this point the Buddha was awake and this body and this mind was free from suffering having removed the cause.
Then the realization of karma and death/rebirth were seen much like lightning striking the earth. Desires wishing to be grounded. Seeing karma from this perspective allowed this mind to see why this was happening now and how one mind could be responsible for several rebirths depending on how the desires grounded.
The Buddha nature was revealed to me as millions of Buddhas all the same filling space and then the mantra came to me. I have been repeating ever since. "I am not this body, I am not this mind, my true nature is that of a Buddha". This simple mantra serves to remind this body and this mind of its true nature.
Much more than could be put down was awakened, this is only a brief overview of what took place over several hours one awakening after another until the Buddha nature was revealed.
One last note is how beautiful this body and mind are once the cause of suffering is removed. All life is pure joy!! Each breath a miracle. This life has now changed. This body and this mind will do all that it can to share and teach. None of us are free until all of us are free."
Now, I don't think that I am enlightened or anything, I think I was able to poke a hole in the veil that obscures my vision from ultimate reality and so I was able to catch a brief glimpse that would change my life forever. I have never been able to look at reality the same way since then. This experience lasted for about a month as I slowly returned to my normal waking consciousness. I tried to hold on to that state of consciousness, but since I am not a fully awakened Buddha, I couldn't of course. I have tried since then to understand this experience and try to develop the vocabulary to discuss it properly. It is also important of course to note that I was not under the influence of any drugs that could cause such euphoric states, it was only my mind that I was working with.
So I road that crazy train for awhile trying to put it into a proper context. Then I found a wonderful vehicle for it. It was another one of those accidental Buddhist things. A friend called me and asked me if I wanted to go to a Kalachakra ritual at the Jonang Tibetan Buddhist Temple. I didn't want to go at first because I was broke at the time, but had just watched something about it and so thought it would be something cool to photograph. I of course was thinking of the big turning of the wheel of Dharma festival and that was not at all what I was being invited to. He told me he would help me pay for it so away we went.
When we arrived it was a small house and it was obvious by the quiet waiting that this was not going to be the festival I thought. We registered however and when the time came we went into the shrine room. At the time I only vaguely understood the significance of what was to take place. Now I totally get it and understand why it was perfect for that stage in my practice.
Upon entering there were several monks and a translator. The monk setting on the highest seat turned out to be Lama Tashi Gyaltsan Rinpoche the actual throne holder of the Jonang linage. I mean come on really? So anyway I received a great deal of transmissions that day that would go on to unfold within me for several months to come. Everyday was like a consciousness unveiling, I wasn't sure what revelation I would wake up to. It was quite amazing. I would call my friend Bill almost everyday and be like "Okay, today I woke up and was experiencing the suffering of the God Realm, I mean I know the suffering of being wished into existence. Is that normal?" He was so wonderful, he always had an answer for me and would always assure me I wasn't crazy or if I was it was the right kind of crazy.
So as a result of that empowerment I decided I needed to strip myself clean and go on a monastic journey, to live simply and practice all that I had learned, you know walk my walk. So I left the shop I was working informed everyone I was leaving, through a big party at my house and made people take my stuff home with them. What I didn't gve away I through away. Then I set out on my journey.
Throughout all this I had reestablished a relationship with my brother and he sounded like he wanted to do some kind of humanitarian work with me. I was very excited about this prospect, because after my changes in consciousness I didn't want to do anything that didn't benefit other sentient beings. So I moved to Indianapolis, Indiana to see what that was all about. This turned out to be the darkness before the Dharma storm. I ended up very alone, very detached from my community and it really messed up the relationship I had with my brother. It gave me time to think however about what was important to me and what I wanted to do. The more time I spent alone, the more sure I was that I had to help some how, I just had to help alleviate all this suffering. So I left there and the plan was back to traveling. As soon as I did, things got interesting again.
I went up to stay with my Mom for a little while before I went off traveling. Me and my cousin started going on adventures when we had the chance and on one of these we passed a large golden Buddha. Now this would not be so strange if we didn't happen to be in the middle of Amish country. So of course we had to turn around and find out what was up.
We met a monk from Laos who was there on behalf of a small group of Laos families in the area. He was so excited to sit and talk the Dharma with me. It looked as though I was back on track again. He blessed us the first time we left and we decided to give him a Buddha for his alter before I left town. The day came when me and my cousin were going to search for a Buddha for him and we are headed toward the mall and I get a text from a friend of mine in the area. He had no idea that any of this was going on, but he sent me a picture of a bright red Buddha statue he had found at an antique market. I of course told Kieth to turn around and we went to the antique store. Upon entering we asked the woman at the desk about the statue and she had no idea what we were talking about, so the search was on. We must have looked for an hour before we finely found it. It was red alright and overpriced, but we got it anyway, because what are the odds that Cory would text me that picture on the day we were looking for a statue. We took it to our monk and he was delighted.
So I soon took off making my first stop back in Atlanta just in time for the Tibetan Festival at Drepung Loseling, the Gelug monastery. The first cool thing that happened to me this time around was that one of the Venerable Monks gave me a whole pile of this spice that he had brought from India. I would call it my "monk spice". I was so happy about it because I thought of all the chants, and Dharma
activities that spice had been exposed to and so each time I had some I felt like I was ingesting a little bit of the Dharma. The other cool thing that happened was a visit by Kyabje Locho Rinpoche and I was able to sit in on an empowerment he did for Avalokiteshvara or the Buddha of compassion, also known as Chenrezig. So I got all filled with compassion before I jetted off to my next big destination in Hawaii.
I arrived in Hawaii with my monk spice and my new Chenrezig glow and set out to explore the Dharma further. I had decided at this point that I really liked Tibetan Buddhism specifically and so was really looking for a Dharma center like Drepung Loseling, although I really had very little knowledge of the different schools of Tibetan Buddhism, I was only an accidental Buddhist. So it was a good thing I had all that Chenrezig energy to guide me. Soon after my arrival the friend that I was staying with told me there was a Tibetan center close to the house. Close was an understatement, it was the next street over, I could have hit it with a rock if I was so inclined. This would turn out to be Kagyu Thegchen Ling a Kagyu center founded by His Eminence Khyab Je Kalu Rinpoche a great Kagyu yogi.
So I started to go over there when I could and practicing. It was very different than what I was used to in Atlanta, all of it was done in Tibetan with little or no instruction, just jump right in. I began to get frustrated, I liked it, but I just was having a hard time connecting with it. Then something amazing happened. I decided to participate in this special practice that they would be doing for several days, I think 12 and it started the day after my birthday. So I made a commitment to myself that I would go everyday and do the entire thing. After a couple of days I walked in and the Lama that I was used to seeing wasn't there, in his place was a much older Lama who I recognized from their site as Lama Karma Rinchen. He looked at me and said, "Hello, it is so good to see you again". I said that we hadn't ever met and he insisted we had and told me to sit and pointed to the one seat in the whole center that I always sat. That kinda blew my mind, I knew we hadn't met I would have remembered this amazing man, I could feel my heart beating out of my chest when I was around him and at times I wanted to weep in his presence and I had seen others do just that. I decided that I really wanted to learn from this monk and so set out to get to know him.
One day after our practice I went home to take a shower and noticed I had what I thought was a rash on my legs, I came out of the bathroom and showed Carolyn because she is a nurse after all. She said it didn't look like a rash but like a burn. I then noticed it was the size of my hands and that my hands had actually burned my legs during my session with Lama Rinchen. This was not the only amazing thing I experienced while I was working with him. Another time I was there for a Tsok which is a kind of ritual feast and part of it involves wine, but in this case it was rice wine. Now I haven't drank for over 20 years at that point, so I was pretty sure I shouldn't do a shot of rice wine. I leaned over and asked Lama Rinchen if it was okay and he said it wouldn't hurt me at all. So for whatever reason I did it, that is completely out of character for me, I am usually very stubborn about such things. The strange thing was he was right, I felt nothing, no warm belly, no slight buzz, nothing at all!
I would end up sitting with Lama and he would read the Dharma to me in English to practice his English, we would cook and eat together, rake leaves and most importantly he would teach me the Refuge practice and I would take my refuge vows with him. That means that he became what is known as my Refuge Lama, or my personal connection to the Dharma and a linage. Soon I had to leave my Lama, but I carry him in my heart and hope to see him again in this lifetime.
I soon went on to Colorado and was able to process and absorb all that Lama Rinchen had taught me. I was able to put it to immediate use by befriending a woman that was very ill. I got to know her and her husband quite well and would like to think that many of the gifts that my Lama gave me I was able to pass on to them. Soon it was time for me to leave there as well and back to my home town I went.
I stopped in and seen my monk from Laos, he told me I didn't look like a monk on the outside, but I was in fact a monk on the inside and that in our next life he hoped we would be monks together. It was such a beautiful thing for him to say. He had obviously seen the transformation that had taken place since I had last seen him. He also told me that we stopped by on an auspicious day because he was taking the Buddha that we gave him to a meeting of several monks and they were going to bless it. I was so happy.
Soon I would head back to Atlanta after two years of rambling around. I arrived just in time for the Tibetan Festival again and a Medicine Buddha Mandala that the monks were constructing. So of course I went to be a part of that mess. Upon leaving the closing ceremony for the Medicine Buddha Mandala I went to thank one of the monks for, well all that monks do, and he grabbed my hands and pulled me real close to him. He asked my name and I told him and he told me his and then just looked me deep in the eyes. I'm not sure what was going on but it was intense. After it was over one of my friends said "What was that all about?" to which
Bill answered "That's Caleb for ya" with a shrug and a smile. So I felt like I had a place to continue practicing and decided to try to attend Drepung as much as I could. Soon after that they had a visit by H.E. Gaden Tripa Rizong Rinpoche in the position of Gaden Tripa, the holder of the throne of Je Tsongkhapa, and the supreme head of the Gelug Linage of Tibetan Buddhism. So in other words a really big deal and he was going to do an Chenrezig Empowerment. So you know I had to do that and so completed my full cycle of Chenrezig. Oh, I forgot to mention that Lama Rinchen in Hawaii considered Chenrizig his primary practice, so no wonder I felt such compassion and open hardheartedness around him.
After my second Chenrezig empowerment I got back on a very disciplined daily practice enhancing it by going to Drepung as much as I could get there. After a couple of weeks of this I was surprised by an announcement that Drepung was welcoming a new teacher. They asked us to welcome Gala Rinpoche and as soon as he walked out, I felt that same heart leaping out of my chest feeling that I felt with Lama Rinchen. It was different of course, but still it was a heart pull for sure. However he is a Tulku and I didn't think it would be possible for me to actually sit with him the way I did Lama Rinchen. A Tulku is someone that is recognized as the reincarnation of a great teacher and in Tibetan Culture they are highly respected. So I thought he would have everyone crowding around him and I wouldn't even get to say hello. This isn't how it worked out however and I have my old friend Chenrezig to thank.
The monks were in town and they where doing a Chenrezig Mandala, so of course I had to go see that! I went on a Tuesday to see the monks make the mandala and then went to Drepung for Medicine Buddha practice. Gala Rinpoche walked up and greeted us as he often did and asked how we were. I said I was great and had just come from the mandala and he said he loved the clicking sound of their tools. I said that it reminded me of the clicking of mala beads rubbing together, at which point he snatched my mala out of my hand and began to rub them together. He then smiled and handed them back to me, at that moment for whatever reason I knew I had to learn from him, but still didn't think I had a chance.
I did my Medicine Buddha practice and stayed for the Tuesday talk and after it went up to Gala Rinpoche and started to ask him about a practice that I wanted to study with Lama Rinchen but was unable to. He said to my surprise that he would teach me! Since that time I do get a chance when he is free to sit with him and learn. I feel such a great joy and excitement from him, he inspires me to work once again toward enlightenment and to help, always to help.
So this brings me to where I am now with this Buddha Nature that I am trying to awaken. I meet with Gala Rinpoche when I can, I am trying to bring Lama Rinchen here to teach for maybe a week next year and I get to hear Geshe Ngawang Phende talk often. What an amazing teacher Geshe Phende is! His Tuesday talks have caused bombs to go off in my head in a very very good way. I would love to get to know him better, but I am intimidated by him because I am such a reckless accidental Buddhist. At least these days I do at least call myself a Buddhist.
So that is my story with the Buddha so far. I wanted to tell it now not to convert anyone to this crazy stuff, or to preach at all. I present it to just say that there is still some real light in this world. I know it seems so dark at times, but I'm telling you, if I can go from being a person filled with so much hate to a being that really wants to help anything is possible. Then there are these people, these warriors of light with smiles that slice through our pretense and arrogance. Not just Buddhist warriors either, I mean there are people like this everywhere, I just seem to stumble into the Buddhist ones. So don't give up home my roses, this garden has so much room to bloom.
I am so very grateful that I have been in the presents of such amazing people, the only explanation that I can come up with is that I was a mangy old dog that hung out at a temple in my last life. In this life the monks are just happy I can actually practice the Dharma on my own that they want to help me. I am so humbled and honored that they do.
May all beings have happiness and the cause of happiness.
May they be free of suffering and the cause of suffering.
May they never be disassociated from the supreme happiness which is without suffering.
May they remain in the boundless equanimity, free from both attachment to close ones and rejection of others.
Peace.
Karma Tsultrim Tharchen
(Caleb Storms)
